BPD

I went to the doctor yesterday. With clothes and jewelry on at 3pm, I weighed 113. I was initially excited. Usually I weigh myself naked, in the morning. Yesterday in the morning I was 113. So I knew I had lost weight, and I smiled inside. The nurse took my blood pressure. High. She waited and took it again. High. Not a walking stroke, but abnormal. My doctor, who I adore more than life, came in and said, "Whats going on with your weight? You've lost 7 pounds since I last saw you." I lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I told him how I was so depressed. I told him about work, how I felt I had no control over my life. How i've ruined my life. He looked at me and said, "Im not licensed to make this call, but I'd bet, I'm 99.9% sure, you have BPD (borderline personality disorder)." which is not something I haven't heard before. I was first diagnosed at 16 in a mental hospital, but never got on meds or in therapy. Apparently he told me I can be helped. That bc I could recognize that something was wrong, that I could be helped. He said 1 out of every 100 women have this. He asked, "Do you ever call Travis 'A fucking asshole?'" again I lost it, like every day, I said. People with BPD often blame their husbands for "making them this way." some women even beat their husbands. I'd never done that. But I do admit that I verbally abuse Travis, it usually ends up with me crying and apologizing the next day, and that my doctor says is good.
So long story short, he wants me see someone. There's a book called Walking on Egg Shells he wants Travis and I to read. About living with someone who's BPD. He said he thinks it'll help me understand that I'm not Alone, to have something to relate to.
So that's the update. It's weird, I want help, but not help with Ana. Control my mood swings. Handling my emotions, yes. Gaining weight? Not an option.

111.2
bmi 17.5
it's not good enough. Nothing ever is. I want to get out the lap top and really write why. Why am I stuck on this? Why do I feel like meeting a number is like meeting a quota at work. Why I'm so destructive in myself to justify or correct the dysfunction in my life.
The other part of me is grateful. Grateful for my wonderful husband. My job. My friends. My family.
I have to push all that away though. So I can hide. Hide from everyone that makes me happy so they won't know the truth. A truth I can't voice reasonably. A truth that I myself don't understand. It's too embarassing and complicated to talk about with anyone. I am an analytical thinker. I love to phsyco analyze everything, but this, this disorder... I don't understand.
I don't want to get better. Better means fat. I know I'm not ready.

My day

Alone.
Wrapped up-suffocated-with in the blankets.
Trapped.
Clawing at my skin-breaking-Ready to scream.
I hate myself. This weight. This body.
My eyes are glazed over. My chest is tight. I need to escape from myself.
Avoidance.
Solitude.
Empty.
Insecurities keeping me locked away. I taste the air outside, only for the sake of inhaling the smoke. Then I retreat back to the covers. Hoping that the next time I get up I'll weigh less.
+ .1
+ .2
+ .4
I want to die.

111

111
better, but it's not 109. I didn't eat at all yesterday. So that's how I lost my bloated weight. 111 is bc I fucked up and ate like a horse a week ago. I measured myself today. Haven't done so since august. Crazy I've lost 5 pounds since then, but only 1 inch on most parts. 1/2 inch off my thighs. See! THIS is why I want to weigh less, bc weight doesn't necessarily shrink you. I need to be shrunken down to a solid 00. I chickened out on buying a pair of express jeans in a size 00 online. Ana chimed in that I'm not tiny enough to even Think about buying smaller jeans. Once 109 becomes my new 111 then I'll consider it. Costa Rica is right around the corner. April will be here before I can blink. I can't allow myself to not reach my goal weight by then. That's plenty of time. There's no excuse! Game on! Fuck food. I did eat 1 biscotti and two pieces of toast today. I felt a cold coming on.

Retaliation

Throbbing. Pulsating. Agonizing.
I hate migraines.
I hate periods.
I hate bloating.
I hate water weight.
I hate being fat.
Fuck this shit!
I'm further away from my goal now. Now that I started my period.
The good news is, is ever time this happens I become more and more determined. More focused. I binge and purge for two days at the beginning of "my time" then I snap. Like literally someone throws me a sucker punch like, "What the FUCK are you doing?!?" Then I come back.
Battered, bruised, fat, but focused!
Christmas is 1 week away, and I have to get ready. Pictures will be taken, and I want people to see them and go, "Wow! She's lost weight!" I want to be admired. I want to people to be jealous. I can't go in front of those lenses any more than 109. I'm kicking myself for not taking pictures at my sisters baby shower. When I WAS 109. It seems so far away, but I was there just 1 week ago. 1 week ago I was falling out of my skinny jeans. Now I feel the bulge of this gross stomach. My ovaries fuck everything up! Lol

I found out yesterday another manager tried to get me fired at work. Tried to say I was stealing from the company! I'm so angry. Angry because of such a lie, a lie that could have cost me my job! That's a HUGE accusation to make. Honestly I don't see how someone wouldn't be fired for obviously lying about something like that! SHE should be fired for slander! I've been with this company for almost 4 years! How DARE she! Especially ME, someone who goes out of their way for everyone. Who's outgoing, positive, and sweet to everyone! Especially this person. I never would have thought. It drives me crazy. Wondering why... Why would someone lie? What have I done? To make someone viciously attack my character! My boss says it's jealousy. Really? There's a lot of people I'm jealous of. Do you see me trying to ruin their lives?! Come on. Karma is a bitch though. I will say that, people who fuck with me ALWAYS get what they deserve. I don't have to retaliate, the universe retaliates for me.
So in closing:
Fuck you, you fat fucking whore. You worthless piece of shit. You will get nothing from life. You will forever be miserable, you bitch. Burn in hell.
Kisses,
Mandy

Think how much you would of weighed if you didn't purge!
You disgust me.
Your husband weighed 115 just a week ago, that's only 3 pounds more than you right now. He claims to of gained 5 pounds.
That's my new motivation. To stay as far away from 115 as humanly possible.
So tomorrows weigh in will be exciting, and nerve racking. I need 109. I need 105.
I have this app on my phone that tells me my realistic date that I'll reach my goal weight of 100. Based on my average lost per week. February 12, 2011. I want to be 100 by April 1st. So by January if I'm not at 105 I'll get panicked. I'm fluctuating around 110-112 now. I need to stop binging at night. I go all day without anything, but the sun goes down and I go into zombie mode. Eating everything that's put in front of me. I are dinner every night since Saturday. Which is why I'm not at 109. So I have no one to blame but myself,( and the in laws for cooking dinner for me and Travis. Lol)
a new leaf has turned. I'm focused. I'm driven. My husband is more at an unhealthy weight than me! Ugh! I won't allow it. Travis at 115 is 23 pounds under ideal weight. I'm only 10...

6:03am
112 today
109 yesterday! I almost cried yesterday when I saw that new weight on the scale. Then came the baby shower. I tried to give out as much food as possible, bc I knew what would happen. The fatigue, the stress, I caved... I ate all the left overs. 3 pounds of shit apparently.
But it's a new number. A number I reached, and will reach again.
Something to strive for. A new number to fill me with hope.
I sound crazy right now I know. I'll forever be competeting with the scale. It seems it always wins. Like a 5k run, where I'm always 2nd in the running.
My fingers are chilled. My bones ache.
My grandmother commented yesterday how I look too skinny. She asked how many meals I ate a day. I said, "Six small, or three big ones." lying through my teeth.
It was a weird mix of emotions. I was happy that I'm finally at a weight that my grandmother doesn't comment about how muchbof a pig I am. She has forever made comments about how, "Oh we have left overs, oh don't worry Mandy will eat it all!" That shit just motivated me more, but I finally did it! Instead of those comments, I got the whispers behind my back. "Has she lost more weight since the last time I saw her?" Or, "She keeps losing, and I keep gaining!" I can't lie, it felt good. At the same time though I got angry. Like, "Im not THAT skinny!!" I soon stopped saying that after I got the bug eyed worried looks followed with, "Uh...yeah, you are!!!"
Whatever. Oh and my mom gave me vitamins, when I asked her why, my sister said, "Because you're malnurished!" malnurished? Really people??
I really need to get to starbucks and post pictures on here. Let you all be the judge.

"Why?"

Finding a remedy for my anxiety today is harder than swallowing pills with a dry mouth.
Today has been yet another test for strength. I'm exhausted, and my next day off isn't until Thursday. I'm actually excited about closing tomorrow. I get to sleep in. I'm not excited about the workload I'm up against.
My store is in shambles. I hate the holidays in retail.
So I stopped at starbucks for a coffee and a handful of cigarettes before I head home. My anxiety was too bad to drive with. There's too much to do I feel like I need to work an over nighter just to get everything done.
I did yoga yesterday.
At the beginning of class they always ask what your intention is for the session. My intention was to find peace. The instructor asked rethorically why we do these strenuous postures just to end up on the ground. She said because for most of us that's what it takes to finally be able to truly relax.
My life is like this. I kill myself and strain in ackward situations just to be able to come down. My struggle is coming down. Truly saying "I'm done" and come down. I need to write more of my book. I need to do more yoga.
"Why do you practice?" Because the physically struggle in yoga is equivalent to the mental struggle of my day. In a weird way after yoga I feel balanced. I need balance in my life.
I can't balance my work, my friends, my family...
It's all so overwhelming.

The unveiling

The humidity sticks to my fingers like glue residue.
The night is anew,
and I feel the winds of change.
Brisk and shallow,
I am taken a back.
Constantly searching for something I lack.
The moon keeps me guessing,
I walk this world as if trespassing.
Before you walk, let me explain.
For I am not in pain.
I'm a stranger to these translucent walls.
This paradox to the situation.
There's a voice that comes when called,
and I gawk at the translation.
Inside my soul,
I can hear her sing.
Fluid with precision.
It takes it's toll,
with a melody to sting,
but the stanza unveils an incension.
A secret I've sworn to keep.
Lies naked at my feet.
Shattered mirror on the ground,
turning my face upside down.
A face cracked.
(Oh! The lines they form!)
A hoax to the imagination.
Eyes jet black.
(Full of scorn.)
No longer used as a stantion.
Fallen. My knees.
Buckling. My heart.
Tearing at the seams.
I stare at this face.
One I've molded and traced.
That no longer hides,
what I've kept deep inside.
Unmasked. Unveiled.
A masquerade prevailed.
I find myself torn between,
wether to cry or be keen
to this revealing.
I laugh obscenely.
(A victory found.)

Tonight's the night!! I'm taking my gym clothes to work and heading straight there afterwards! Travis has a business dinner to attend so I can A. Sit at home and sulk alone and risk the temptation to B&P or B. Work out! I've been slacking. I've managed to lose Most of my t-day weight gain. Weighed in at 112 this AM.I need to be 110 by 12-11. That's my sister's baby shower. Where I'll be serving a maple glazed pork loin, sweet potato casserole, pine nut and cranberry asparagus, peanut butter balls, home made hot chocolate, and home made apple cidar. So as you can see LOTS of calories and fats.
Travis said he's glad I'm going to the gym. "Not that u need it, but we do pay for it."
*time lapse*
so I'm closing tonight. I guess I won't make it to the gym. Not meant to be?
Tomorrow I'm going to a yoga class after work with my friend Erin! I haven't done yoga since before my wedding. I miss the nirvana I felt after a class.
Calories consumed today: starbucks drink
perfect oatmeal from starbucks:140
not bad...
I'm surprisingly having a good day at work today considering I'll be work a 11 hour day!
I had some really good 2 days off. I'm ready to get stressed out at work. Lol!

Enough!!

No food!!!
I'm not eating today!
Period!
No ands Ifs of Buts!!!
Fuck this!!
I'm so pissed I hate the holidays...
Thanksgiving killed me.
My weight is at an all time high. Two days ruined everything!

Addy side effects

So I haven't taken any adderrals in 2 days. I'm feeling pretty good. I thought I wouldve ballooned up by now. Steady at 112. So I gained 2 pounds from 11-9 and have yet to work it off. :( I ate a turkey English muffin from starbucks just now. I'm itching to buy a pastry. That would be bad I'm trying to remind myself that tomorrow will be enough temptation without a pastry fuckin everything up. *sigh* I notice I eat when I'm stressed and today has definitely been a stressful day. My DM mediated a convo between me and my GM today. She cried. I cried. I thought about quitting. I thought of slitting my wrist and bleed to death on the bathroom floor.
So um side note I read a side effect of coming off adderral is suicidle thoughts, and I cried about that too. At one point I was sobbing bc I don't have any. Well I do but I don't wanna take it. Saving it? Yeah maybe...
So I snapped out of my mood and here I am. Eyeing the pastry window like a bitch in heat. Sour cream doughnuts. Peppermint brownies! Pumpkin loaf bread! Uughh!! I can't take it!!

Quick update

So today I refused to weigh myself, and I'm restricting to only liquids for two days. Hopefully that'll balance out the two days I ate like a lion. Travis and I went to Asheville Saturday and instead of buying trinkets we ate. And ate. And ate somemore. I'm over food, even though I am proud of myself for not purging. I was not happy to see a pouched out tummy this AM. I'm not going to get anymore addys until 11-28!! Ugh!! My energy level is at 0! I wonder if my iron is low. I can't pinpoint any other reason. I've been eating! The past 2 days I must have consumed like 10,000 calories. Seriously...
My mind has been completely blank. Thoughts escape me. I'm in robot Mandy mode. I had a girl at work comment on my lack of bubbliness. Do I HAVE to be bubbly all the time?!?! Jeeeez!! I don't feel like smiling. I don't feel like laughing. I don't want to be fake anymore. I'm so over that...
I have wrote 4 chapters in book #1 and got some great material lined up for book #2!
I bought the baby shower invites for my sisters baby shower that I'm hosting. I love being a hostess!! It seems like I'm conserving my energy for that. My scene. I'm an actress. I live for the part. Recently at work and at home I can't play that role. Bubbly energetic Mandy. The happy manager/sister/friend/wife.
I need to go back to the gym. Regularly that is. Find a new way to get energy other than with a pill. I'm out of shape. I can tell in my thighs. Buldgy fat blobs that clunk together if I knock my knees together. Gross...
Pictures coming soon! I'm a little nervous to post pics. I really need the feed back though. Honest critisism. I'm counting on u mystery readers!

BPD at it's finest

In another funk. Can I not just be okay? Why does it seem the universe wants me unhappy? I keep having nightmares. Where they're so bad I wake up in a panic. Last night I woke up and had IBS the dreams were so bad.
I woke up instantly depressed. Suicidle. I thought about letiing the car run with me in it in the garage. I have the I don't even care anymore attitude. I don't care to go to work. I don't care to get out of bed. I just have no energy to do anything.
The light outside bothers my eyes. The smoke that breaks off a long draw off a cigarette burns and causes my eyes to water. I need the ncotine. The one habit I have now that I can control.
I ate dinner last night. Cheeseburger and French fries. I went to the gas station and got one of those Xmas tree cakes and a Crunch bar. I wasn't hungry, but I ate it. I even tried waiting a hour before I actually ate it. Thinking the craving would pass. It's the same every time I eat. I go numb and eat everything in sight. The next day I'm in tormoil. Completely distraught that I did such a disgusting thing. A salad wasn't an option. I didn't even read the description of the options of salads. I saw burger I ordsered burger. Maybe my body needed protein. Maybe my body needed sugar. I still feel like a failure. Last night I told Travis that I was on an extremely light day of my period, as I wrapped my leg over his when we laid down to bed. I pressed my body hard up against him. He goes, "So it's not done?" I said, "Well pretty much, I'm not bleeding." He asked me about my day. I moved away from him. We went to sleep. This morning I asked him if it was because I ate like a pig. He said no. Why can I not accept that? Why can I not just say. Okay he just wasn't in the mood. Instead I punish myself to filling up 2 cups of dry cereal and tell myself I better make that last all day. I punish myself by allowing myself only 1 coffee drink, my only other liquid calories will be a vitamin water. 0 cal vitamin water. I'm irrespnsible. I fat lazy cow. Who's only happy when um stuffing face. I purged twice yesterday. That's probably the only reason I gained just. Pound after my fat fest yesterday.
I thought in the morning, how fun I'll make bran muffins and have a snack for six days. I ate them all. As I'm lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor I thought. "Why?" why did I do that? No more food. Then came chocolate covered almonds. Then dinner...
I can't stop! It's so much easier for me to just not eat. I can't have breakfast. I can't have a snack. My mind goes into self prssrvation mode, and I eat all the calories I restricted for X amount of days in one sitting. This morning I got an email from my gym. I get these motivational emails on a day to day basis. I usually delete them, but this one was apparently written for me :
Mandy,
It seems as if the Thanksgiving to New Year's holiday season is one long, tempting food fest designed to make us gain weight. It is possible to keep the holiday food fests from ruining your fitness plans. The key is to workout several times each week and follow some of these helpful tips.
 
Healthy Lifestyle Tip: Preventing holiday weight gain
It's commonly thought that the typical holiday weight gain is around 5 pounds (2.3 kilograms). In reality, it's probably less. The catch, though, is that even a small holiday weight gain is seldom lost – adding to the cumulative weight gain that happens over time. Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the upcoming season and avoid holiday weight gain:
 
Take it a Day at a Time. Strive to balance out your calories over the day or at least over a couple of days. If you'll be consuming extra calories at a social event in the evening, make adjustments earlier in the day. Focus on fruits and veggies along with some lean protein and high-fiber grains to keep your appetite in check.
 
Spurn the Party Snacks. Don't waste your calories mindlessly by munching salty or sugary snack foods. Save your calories for the big event – dinner and dessert.
 
Be Selective. Buffets don't have to be all you can eat. Survey the offerings. What looks too good to pass up? What can you live without? Focus on what you'll enjoy, not how much you can squeeze on your plate.
 
Decorate Your Plate. Fill half to three-quarters of your plate with colorful raw veggies, fruits or items that have these as their main ingredient. You know creamy sauces and cheesy toppings are going to add calories, so take smaller portions. Fill the rest of your plate with lean meat or seafood choices.
 
Mind Your Manners and Portions. At sit-down affairs, graciously sample all foods for your own experience and to please your host. However, you don't have to clean your plate to demonstrate your appreciation.
 
Practice Discretion. Identify the added calorie culprits, such as cheese or cream sauces and fillings, and discretely move some or all to the side of your plate. You'll still get the flavor just not all the unnecessary calories and fat.
 
Plan for Indulgence. If you want to indulge in a homemade holiday treat or luscious dessert, ask yourself what you're willing to give up in exchange. Will it be something at lunch or dinner, or your afternoon snack? Or, are willing to put in the extra time at the gym?
Source: MayoClinic.com
 
Over the next few weeks notice what is in your hand, on your plate and what you are about to eat. Resolve to not feel tired and sluggish. Always look for opportunities to move! Keep in mind that celebrations are really about family and friends.
 
Here here!
Off to work. Where I'll be blamed for everything going wrong. Made to feel like a worthless piece if garbage before heading home to feel like the ugliest woman on the face of the planet. Who's husband won't make love to her because she's a worthless piece of garbage.
Happy Thursday everyone...

Thank you Starbucks

I"m sitting at Starbucks with my new lap top.
This is freaging awesome! I have internet! I haven't had internet, in like a year! So pictures are coming soon! If not within the hour! I actually might be able to finally put a profile picture up! Maybe if people see that I'm a real person, they'll start leaving comments! *clears throat* No pressure of anything...
I almost forgot for a split second that I miss Starbucks. I miss working here. The whole idea behind Starbucks, just makes my heart happy. I was the happiest when I worked here. Before I started at my "real jobs." Jobs where Corporate became a bad word. A word you used to describe how things just aren't fair, and there's nothing you can do about it.
For instance, today "Corporate" made us cut 50 odd hours off this week's schedule. So we're running on literally 0 staff. When customer's would start yelling about how there was no one to assist them on the sales floor, all you can do is shrug and blame it on "Corporate." At least that's all I could've done, instead I pulled out like 40 gift with purchase bags and started handing them out. I love selling. I love customer service. I don't love having to jeopardize all those things because some man sitting in his oval office says we need to cut payroll...
I made a career out of management, and I love the process. I love being a manager, these days though, when I'm driving to work, I just want to cry. Cry because I know that even though I plan on doing A, B, and C I won't. I won't because I'll come in to a list pilled up to the ceiling of things that should have been done the day before, that I now have to do.
Everyone's advice? "Just don't!" I can't! I can't just leave work without getting everything done. It kills me. Today I worked 2 hours off the clock, just to get 1 thing done. Yeah, it's my only night off, and I should have been here at Starbucks writing this blog like an hour ago...
Anywho...
Today's weigh in 111.8
Body Fat 14%
I'm a little happier with that number. I sure do miss 110, but considering everything else going on, being 111.8 is the least of my worries. At least for tonight. Tonight I start my book. I have several in mind actually. 1 being on addiction, and 2 being on my spiritual encounters. I may just start writing both at the same time. I miss writing. So may as well dive in head first. Overwhelm myself with unfinished memoirs, rather than unshed pounds.
God wants me to write. Those girls I met here once told me so. *laughs* Not just that, writing gives me a sense of relief. A way to reflect. A way to cope. Most importantly, a way to heal.
Cheers good friends. Hope all is well in your lives. Tonight my focuses are lying with in these fingertips. My only worries are how fast I can type what words are formulating in my mind. Wish me luck.

Coming to

I came home from work today and Travis a picnic set up in front of the fire place! Candles kit. Sushi set up on our Japanese china set! Jack Johnson playing in the background. He left work sick as a dog, but did all that for me. After dinner we cleaned up, and he hugged me and said, "Never forget how special you are!"
I'm an idiot sometimes. I really am. That man loves. As much as maybe he shouldn't sometimes. He's the first to take me for everything I am. Good bad and the ugly! Unconditional. It's scares me sometimes. Especially in one of my episodes. I think hrs going to leave me like all the rest.
But he's still here...

If you love something. Let it go.

I'm usually pretty good at not letting my depression effect my relationships with people. Strangers are feeling the grunt of my unhappiness. I drove to work today and fantasised about whipping car onto the median into oncoming traffic. I'm finding it hard to find reasons to be here at all. Nobody wants me. At work it's very clear that I'm expendible to them. At home I feel unworthy of everything. My husband has no sex drive. How can I NOT think it's me. I hear the whole it's not you it's me bullshit. That's crap! I know if I was pretty and skinny he'd want me. He'd make an effort. I made the mistake of weighing myself after eating and 2 cups of coffee. I'm fat and disgusting. No wonder my husband has "no sex drive." I bet if he was with someone else he wouldn't have a problem. His problem is me. His wife is a fucking failure. I fail at maintaining goals. I'm a flake. A useless waste of space. What's the point? What's the point of trying to find "the light?" darkness is my heart, my soul. I feel a tightening in my chest...a stronger will than anything I can control to just stop. Stop moving. Stop breathing. I don't want to live. It's disgusting that I even feel this way. I'm a disgrace. I thought about taking all my addys to go into cardiac arrest. I thought about causing wrecks to hopefully die in a car accident. What if I didn't die? What if I lived through my attempts of suicide. *laughs* I wouldn't even succeed at THAT! That would ruin me. If I actually lived. That fear of not acheiving that ironically keeps me from doing it. Not my family or friends, the fear that ONCE again Mandy would fail. That's what keeps me from "pulling the trigger" it's a sick mind I'm working with here. Travis told me he's going to give me a reason to live...
I can't do this to him. I can't bring him down with me.
He should leave me. Who wants a depressed fat wife?
He's got his good credit, his cat, his friends, his car...he'd be okay.
When you love someone, truly love them, you want the best. Even if the best is not what you can give them. I can't get past this, and I love him enough to help him move on. I helped build his credit. I built his confidence, now he can use that to be secure with someone else.

Incessant ramblings.

I feel like such an asshole. I really need to be careful about what I say to people. We had an all store meeting today. We broke off into groups and one of the girls I work with, her body language really offended me. I felt disrespected, bc her body language to me was screaming, "I don't care about anything you're saying." so we were talking about how to read body language from a guest and how to begin to schmooze over the guest if you pick up on that. So I said, "Yeah if you see a guest looking like _ say something!" probably not the best way to handle that situation. I guess my on going problem is that I expect too much from people. I expect her to be attentive, bc I like herso much. Instead I was unprofessional and she got pissed and stormed out after the meeting. Not before, of coarse, telling another manager what I'd done, who then told ourGM. So now I'm an even a bigger ass. Go Mandy...
I just left. I emotionally couldn't sit there in the office. I went in to tell my GM what happened, and have that other manager say, "Oh I already told her!" can I not tell our GM anything on my own? THIS is why I can't trust anyone there. God forbid everyone can't let ME handle my own business. They gain something by being the first to tell her. So I now look unprofessional and like I can't handle my own. I really hate that place!
On a bright note, because it was an all store meeting people had food. Bagels, etc. I ate nothing! Not a bite. Just kept filling up my coffee cup! Mandy 1:Food 0!
Today I was very unhappy to see the 112 on the scale. Last night I ended up eating about 2 cups of Chinese rice, 1 chicken wing, and 1/2 cup non fat yogurt. I feel so fat still, even though the 00's I bought for work are now lose. How can they be when I'm back up to 112? Okay okay 1 freaging pound or 1.8 doesn't make that mch of a difference. It's just the point. I need that #! it's all I have right now. I have nothing else to look forward to on a day to day basis. I need that # to remind me that I am propelling further in my goals. As a whole. Moving up at work(no). Moving up creatively(no)...it temporarily gives me that sense of satisfaction.
Without it, I feel like a failure. My self esteem is at 0...
Travis wanted me to go to a bar with him and our friend today for some beer event, but I don't want to go. I just want to take a nap. Sleep until it's time to work again at 5pm.
I don't feel like being social. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't seem to do that these days. REALLY cry. To just LET it all OUT!
It's funny how the things I need most i avoid.
I feel inadequette at work, and tapers off into my life outside of work. I feel distant. Zombified on the inside. Like outside I'm bubbly energetic and happy, but inside it's like I'm talking but it's not my voice. My brain doesn't connect with what I'm saying or doing. Is that depression? Sometimes I feel it borders on schkietzophrinia. I feel crazy...
Today's calorie intake plan: coffee and eat nothing, bc our friends want us over tonight for a cookout. GOD I don't wanna go for the simple reason that I will eat. I can't fake a tummy ache or any other illness, bc as soon as the food's in front of me I'll break. It'll take all my will power just to STOP eating. I have to scream at myself silently, okay Mandy that's enough!! Last night the only reason I didn't eat my weight in chicken wings is bc I told myself I wanted yogurt. So I spent like 3 minutes making it perfect. I used a really cute martini glass to put it in so 1/2 cup looked like a lot. I picked out the smallest spoon we had. I strategically poured slivers of honey in a precise design where I'd be able to taste it with each bite, but not going over a tablespoon. I would stick the spoon in the mix and pull it out eating whatever stuck to the spoon, rather than taking full bites. Afterwards I felt accmplished AND satisfied! I think I'll start breaking up my granola bar I usually eat for lunch into pieces and put in a zip lock bag. So I can't be tempted to shove the whole damn thing in my mouth. Much like yesterday, which made me eye the 2nd one like a hawk. I had to chain smoke and hide it away in my bag to keep from eating it. Tomorrow I WILL be 111. I plan on taking my laxis tonight. No more f-ing around. I'm having trouble using the bathroom again. It's like my body doesn't know how digest Real food anymore. Coffee, granola bars yeah. Rice, chicken...no.

Lunch break

One hour lunch break:
10 cigarettes.
Starbucks coffee
1 granola bar: 180
I've been staring at the other one for the past 45 minutes. I'm glad I just read the calories. YOU my friend will go BACK in my bag.
Other intakes:
1 Hershey kiss
2 starbucks coffees. (I really like coffee)
liquid calories are still calories, and that's what I need to remind myself! No exceeding 800 calories a day including liquids.
So that means, and I'm being generous 480 calories today in liquids alone...
I'm already at 660!? Are you freaking kidding me?
Dinner tonight:
6 oz nnfat yogurt with tablespoon of honey 60
1/2 cup egg whites 60

Zombie cravings

Shivering bones. Icy fingers grip at this tool to will the words to come. The caved verbage in my mind might release some warmth. Sticky heat to make moving these fingers less painful. Underneath my tongue lies the answers I've been searching for blindly. Masked and illuded to the source of reason. Maybe if I pinch down hard enough with my teeth I can pull blood. I'm waiting patiently for my mouth to move. For my brain to catch up.

""Eating amnesia" is the act of unknowingly putting hand to mouth"
Yesterday I drank over 1000 calories in milk alone. I hate milk. I couldn't curve the appetite though. I wanted milk! Eggnog, almond milk, milk in stew. I didn't care how I got it, so I drank everything we had in the fridge that contained it. I'm at 63% water weight this morning. I'm trying to justify the 113 on this scale this morning. I usually do have milk in my lattes from starbucks, that's usual. What was not the usual was me chugging eggnog down last night like I was living in the sahara! Ugh... I feel gross.
It's strange what your mind makes you feel like you look like. If that makes since. I feel like as I'm bending my head down to write this that I have like 4 chins. I feel that my stomach is rolling over my pants. That my thighs are bulging out of the seams. I FEEL disgusting! I'm planning my next laxi night. Unfortunately with my work schedule I'll have to wait until next week.
I can't live like this. I missed my psychiatrist appointment today. Originally I made this bc I wanted my own prescription for addys. Then I thought, ya know, maybe I do need help. Maybe I need actual medicine to pull me out of depression.
It's weird now numb I can be. My mom last night was all emotional about how worried she is about me. How she misses me. The tears were falling, but I felt numb. Like I was crying bc I wanted to ache. I was allowing the tears to fall bc I thought maybe I'll finally just cry it out! No. I went into a zombie like state. Defense meconism I suppose.

The days just keep getting harder

As some of you might of guessed who read my previous blog entry. Yesterday was a BAD day.
This am: 113
I wish someone would explain to me how working out makes you gain weight.
So yesterdays events went as followed. Woke up hung over. Ate left over mac and cheese and baked potato salad. Puked. Called the IRS about why they seem to think I didn't file my 2007 state taxes. When I received this letter I thought to myself. This will be a piece if cake. Travis also received a letter and all he had to do was call and fax something in. Not me, oh no, because that would make me lucky. I'm extremely UNlucky. So u called and lady goes into "my archives." Conversation went like this:
"Let me check into this for you. *typing...typing...click...click....* oh I see here we also don't have your 2005 state taxes. I hate to tell you this but you will be pentalized if we don't receive this either. Even though the letter is referring to 2007. Now that I found this they will be looking for this year's too, and no we didn't receive 2007's."
My response,"...."

*time lapse*
so Im at work and I'm literally having a panic attack right now. My chest is tight and I'm having trouble breathing. I know it's a panick attack but I can't shake it. Work is trying to kill me. I've come to that conclusion. I'm sick and tired of everyone leaving everything to me. I'm just expected to work 13 hour days. I'm just expected to pick up the slack. I seriously can't take this anymore. I'm not getting compensated enough to deal with this. I'm starting to have physical reactions to the stress. I'd rather just cry, but instead I'm trying to vent via blogging to try and get my breaths under control.
This place is not being ran right. The new girl had the audacity to ask when she was leaving. "When we get everything done." Was my response. I hate being cold. I hate being bitter. In trying to not bitch. To not let everyone see how miserable I am. Be a good manager, but it's hard. It's showing on my face no matter how hard I try to plaster on a smile. It's not that I can just leave, because I'll be panicking for the rest of the day about having to finish it tomorrow. I really thought that other place I interviewed for would have called me. I blew them away, well...I guess not huh? It's been 2 weeks. I really hate my work life. I need a new job. Why isn't God opening any doors, am I really meant to stick this out? Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel? It's hard to see. Almost as hard as it is to believe. I know I'm being used, manipulated, controlled. It kills me. It slaps me back into the ground at a rough decline.

Please dear God help me through this day, much like you did yesterday.
Yesterday Travis came home and hugged me, and I just cried. I cried bc I had my answer. If nothing else I'm meant to be here to be his wife. To bear his children. To grow old with him, and sit in rocking chairs laughing about the good ol times. I'm meant to lie beside him on the beaches of Mal Pais. Both of us mesmerized by our surroundings and most importantly each other. He's my rock. My husband, that is one thing I have. One thing to be greatful for. He accepts me through all my flaws. He truly loves ne unconditionally, and that's something to smile about. If only on the inside.

I just chained smoke like 3 cigarettes. Probably not doctor recommended for relief of a panick attack, but I'm trying. I'm proud of myself for stepping away from That situation going on inside. I'm taking a mental break... And mental break's over. Unfortunately.

Today I need a prayer

I'm so tired.
My body is weak. My mind is exhausted. I feel a weight pulling me down towards the earth. I sit, knees bent, one crossed over the other, and think about standing. My back aches by being pressed up against the siding of the house. I push back harder to accentuate the pain. Pain is a feeling, and right now I'm dying to feel something. Today has been a test of strength. Today I failed.
I've purged three times. One of those times was at the gym. I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from something. Anything. Everything. I got dizzy and vomitted. Luckily I made it in time to the toilet. I was self induced. I couldve just stopped, but I forced myself to puke so I could keep running.
I stopped believing in bulemia as a method to lose weight. As I stared at the scale when I got home, with the bold 112 flashing in my face, it again concured that NO throwing up doesn't make you lose weight. I didn't care. I knew that when I was shoving my fingers down my throat. I knew it, but didn't care. I wanted to get rid of something. Feel some sense of relief with being empty. I won. I'm empty. Hollow. A shell. A zombie. My face contorting into a shape I thought I'd manipulated. I thought I could fool myself much like everyone else. My reflection shows the truth. I failed. Frowny faced fat girl staring back at me with shadowed eyes. I don't recognize myself. This person doesn't make me happy to see. I turn at different angles, and gape at the image looking back in disgust. My stomach is pouched out like I'm pregnant. My ass is too small above these jello thighs.
One of the girls I met at starbucks text me and asked how things were going. She wants to catch up. Ironically enough, couldn't come at a more perfect time. Maybe it's a reminder. Of what epiphany I had found, and soon forgot.
Dear Lord,
Please give me strength to make it through tonight. Help me see my true path. Guide me somehow to see that I am meant to be here. I've been contemplating ending this plan of life you have for me too early. Lord I know that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't have the strength to turn to you. I'm sorry my pride keeps me hidden from you. Please Lord forgive me for my sins. Please Lord help me remember that it is you I should turn to first. My disorder is not the key to happiness Lord. I want to smile knowing how proud you are of me. Like a proud parent watching their talented child acheiving their every wish and dream. God I feel like I haven't even began. I feel lost in this battle. I need you right now. Open my eyes, my heart Lord to let you in. I need to feel the warmth of your love melt this cold within my soul. I want to feel alive in your Glory. I want to live a happy life, but tonight I just ask you to support my weight as I try to stand. As I try to walk and turn from my demons. Thank you Lord for the blessings in my life, that at times I fail to see when feeling the way I do. In your name I pray. Amen

Husbands birthday

Husband's birthday a sucess! Not many people showed up, but that's okay. He had a great day, and that's all that matters. Seeing the look on his face was worth the anxiety it took to get everything perfect! Plenty of food is left over, because I invited everyone we've ever met! Lol 7 people came. I definitely spent more $ than I needed to, but again totally worth it.
So today I'm hung over slightly. Not that I even drank that much. I don't usually drink period, and I drank on an empty stomach. So already being a light weight or as everyone called me "2 beer queer" ha ha ha and no food on my gut I was drunk in like 20 minutes. I spent 4-5 hours straight eating to try and sober up. Nibble here, mouthfuls there, scarfing down spoonfuls here, picking randomly at things there. I ended up eating more last night than I probably have in like...a month? Two? It's hard to remember. I'm definitely paying for it today. My stomach no longer knows how to digest that amount of food normally anymore.
I haven't weighed myself. Once I can feel comfortable stepping away from the bathroom for more than 10 minutes I will.
Drinking is definitely not a good idea for me anymore. Liquid honesty, or truth serum, if you will. I'm kicking myself for talking to my friend D in my drunken stuper about my eating disorder. Past and present.
Maybe he won't remember?
I did meet slight my goal weight yesterday. I weighed in yesterday at 110.8
today: 112
ugh...

Circles

These past few days have gone by in a blur. I on the epilogue of unbearable lightness by Portia de rossi. It's amazing! What's sad is that I'm just like every other person with an addiction. "That'll never happen to me!" the other side of is screaming, "You idiot, she didn't get to 82 over night!" It's a slow process, and like she wrote it creeps up on you without a conscious effort. I've got a whole bottle of addys. I've been eating, but obviously not like a normal person. I know this, but change is hard and I find myself still celebrating my "loses."
111.
111!
Flipping crazy! I see this number digitally justifying how my day will be. I smiled and looked at Travis and said, "Im looking pretty good these days!" he responds with, "Yeah you look great!! Keep it up!" *laughs* Keep it up Mandy. You're so close!
My thoughts are jumbled with reasonings. To stop, to keep going. I can't pinpoint why exactly. Why I can't just say, okay Ive met my first goal weight of 115. Time to stop. I wasn't impressed with 115. I looked in the mirror with a, "That's it?" attitude. I want more. Now I'm only 1 pound away from my second goal weight. I can taste it, if nothing else...I can taste success!
I really thought I wouldve heard something by now from that other job. It's disheartening. I thought I blew them away. I guess I'm not as amazing as I was exuding myself to be. I actually thought my self esteem would elevate when I got that call. An offer. It's been a week. I've heard nothing. Nobody wants me. I'm not talented. I'm not smart. I'm embarrased that I went and told everyone how great it went. I should of kept my big mouth closed. I set myself up for failure. As soon as I walked out of there. I just "knew" I had the job.
I'm trying NOW to convince myself that God has a plan for me. I just have to keep praying that he'll lead me to glory. Lead me to my path.
I've got a devil sitting so close to me. Keeping my fingers warm holding this cigarette. Whispering words of comfort. "Once you're at 110, things will start to happen. You haven't met your goal weight. You can't expect to succeed in one thing when you're failing in another."
I want so bad to be successful. I want to be on top. As the numbers decrease my chances to rise increase. It's a sick aweful way of thinking, but I can't help it.
I need this, because when everything else is failing. Maybe I can win at this. Maybe this will make me happy.
I know it's all a lie. I'm writing in circles, because that's how my mind works. Constantly spinning around and around with this thing.

In other news. I made a new friend! We spent 8 hours talking at caribou Wednesday. We went out together last night too! I adore her!
On a more somber note, it hasn't been proven but I know Phillips back into drugs. His mysterious money loss and distance is telling me exactly what I already knew.

People probably think I'm homeless. Sitting in a corner by a shopping center smoking a cigarette, and I have a zip up hoddie covering me like a blanket. I'm in dirty sweat pants and no make up on. I'm sick so I have bags under my eyes, chapped lips...
I guess I can always tell people I'm a hobo for Halloween.

I was too scared to weigh myself this morning. I guess bc I didn't feel good yesterday, I wanted comfort food. Pumpkin sweet potato pancakes, bacon, gravey, candy corn... Needless to say I feel disgusting.

I really hope this opportunity works out. I think my physical fatigue is what's causing me to get so sick. I forgot to punch out on Tuesday so my boss had to adjust my time. I was scheduled until 5, I stayed until 7, she adjusted it for 4, then again for 4:15...?
She apparently didn't ask anyone who was working with me that day and didn't ask me. I'm so irritated. I got another manager to fix it, it's just the point. Everyday it's something.

I need sleep. So much for doing anything for Halloween...

I miss u Addy

So I'm down to a 00R in express pants. I was wondering why I look like I have no ass in all of the ones I own. Got my interview outfit last night. Very cute...but professional.
112.2 this morning again, but I purged last night. I didn't even eat that much in retrospect.
Baked chicken breast, hashbrowns, banana moonpie.
I think for me it was knowing the whole time that my dad cooked it, so needless to say who knows how much extra shit got thrown in there. That man doesn't know the meaning of plain foods. He has to jazz up everything, add some flare.
Today will be the first day I'll attempt to go a day without my addy(aderal). Well I shouldn't say attempt, I ran out. I felt like such an addict yesterday. Aside from breaking down in a hissy tantrum, I freaked out. My source missed her appointment, so I went to dads. Moms has to take it for her MS, it completely drains her energy. My dad told me she only had 4 and she has to go through a lot to get a refill. I may as well just suck it up and pay the $300 to see my own phychiatrist. Hot damn that's a lot of money but I can't be that girl. I am not an addict...they say admitting you have a problem is the first step. Ha! I will not!
Honestly my reasoning is I need it for energy. 11 hour days would make anyone need something. I figure it's better than turning to coke. (Oh trust me it's crossed my mind.)
losing weight is just an added bonus.
At work the other day two girls mentioned that I was looking skeletal. I freaked out and got extremely defensive. "Well you'd lose weight too if you worked like I do! I don't have time to eat!" Great Mandy that doesn't scream, "Look at me! I've got a problem!"
*sigh*
so anywho excited about the number, losing my ass and boobs isn't all that great. I didn't think my boobs could get any smaller. Though Express 32A bras I almost come out of. Why is it bras fit perfectly the first couple times, then it's like they stretch out, and you're having to adjust the ladies every ten minutes?
Off to work...wish me Luck.

Optimism mixed with anxiety

Life seems better today. In the midst of it all I have to find something positive to focus my energy on. I find it really easy with recent fatigue to let things eat at me. Tear me down. Ruin me. "I hate my life!" really means I hate work, bc work is my life.
I use to have bigger dreams. I use to want so much. I talked to my friend last night about how my dreams have changed. I think that's a lot of wear my unhappiness is stemming from. I took this job bc I wanted to work at a place I enjoyed. I'm glad I did i've grown up bc of this position. I use to be niece and immature. I want to love it but I can't help but remember how I use to feel. I felt alive like I was making a stamp on my soul. Writing, music, spirituality THAT was me. It seems I woke up one day with bills, married, responsibilty and with those wonderful things I forgot what makes Mandy happy. What can Mandy do to make Mandy happy?
Smoking cigarettes, taking aderals and starvation was never in the picture.
Wants, dreams, needs change with age. I get that. Is it wrong to want that back? To take a step back and reevaluate myself? It is when you're up to your neck in bills. Writing won't pay the bills, and I certainly don't have the time to write my book.
God does amazing things for everyone on a daily basis. I have to remind myself that He will do wonderul things for me too. I just have to pray.
My stubborn mouth just won't move.

Several steps back

I've purged the past two days. My mom asked me yesterday if I had done it, and I truthfully said, "No, I sure haven't!" Then I started thinking, why not? Last night my buddy and me chowed down on pizza and chocolate cake. Later him and Travis went outside and I took advantage of this. Today same deal. Left over pizza and chocolate cake. House all to myself, why not?
I'll tell you why not! Maybe this is party of the whole distorted self image thing that goes with this "ed". After I purged I went to weigh myself, and I sucessfully managed to get of all of it. Staying strong at 112.2 I'm excited about the number. What I'm not excited about is a flushed face. Bags under my eyes. Cheeks puffy, and my stomach is pooches out. What causes this with purging? I like the way my body looks with just not eating at all. THAT is why I stopped purging. I wasn't losing as much as I wanted to with just skipping meals all together. I like that I can tell my breasts are smaller, my stomach sunken in, defining the outline of my muscles and bones. Purging keeps the number, but not the tone look. Maybe it's just me.
I notice I only WANT to eat after a long early start to the day at work. Example, yesterday 7a-6p. Today, 4a-3p... I'm exhausted but also running low on the good ol' Mr. Aderal! I've had to up my dosage with this schedule of mine.
So far I've lost 14 pounds since June! Technically at an unhealthy BMI but what's .4 measley points. I won't consider myself "unhealthy" until I'm at a BMI of say 16ish.
So needless to say I need some soul searching material again. I have a pretty stone cold hand gripping me keeping me from going up. (Up in pounds that is)

Teetering from 112-113.
I got sick yesterday. I was enjoying my coffee drink on my break yesterday. All of a sudden I felt incredibly weak, nauseated. My hands got clamy and I thought that at any second I was going to barf. I forced down a granola bar and felt better. Usually I can go the whole day without feeling any side effects. Lately NOT eating kills me. Weird...
I'm so tired of these long days, a part of me wishes this other job will come back and offer me a crazy awesome position. One I can't turn down. We will just have to wait and see. Maybe Lady Luck will be on my side for once. Maybe God will answer my prayers. I'm tired of these hours. Mentally no, physically my body is shutting down. I physically can't work. I imagined getting hurt at work just so I can go on workers comp. Doesn't matter how, chop a finger off. Fall off another 10 foot latter. Slip and crack my skull open. *laughs* God help me...
I need this coffee and aderal to kick in already.

I like the feel of the heat on my jeans. I'm sitting here at starbucks enjoying my grande 2 pump skim pumpkin spice latte. Loving this weather. 70 is cold to people here in north Carolina, piedmont region. It's funny to me. Wearing my dark grey skinny jeans, a bcbg long sleeved white shirt and my grey Michael khors knee high slouch boots. Rocking my Armani shades. People look at me and probably think I'm some snotty rich bitch. If they only knew I paid for my drink in pennies and dimes I found stuffed away in my center console.
Impressions. Mine are either great first impression or long lasting. I'd like to think that atleast.
Currently I'm working on my networking. I've been offered an interview to a position I'm not interested in, but that's okay. I thought about it and I'm going to talk to this lady and be honest. That I appreciate the opportunity but my passion lies in management. Working with a team to gain desired results. I've worked too damn hard to take a step back in my career. Maybe if I'm lucky, if this the "sign" I've been waiting on it'll work out. She could come back and say that they'll make a position for me! Lol with smaller businesses you never know. Staying positive and true to myself won't hurt anything. If anything shell apprciate my honesty and respect my professionalism.
Work is hard. No matter where you go. I'm a promotion whore and I just can't see myself settling. Taking steps back career wise. M-f 9-5 sounds amazing, but not having the title of "manager" would hurt my career. I've become somewhat of a work-a-holic. Taking control of something.
I've talked a lot about this control issue. This is just an example of how deep it really goes.
I love people watching. My favorite past time.
I ate like shit last night. Travis brought home a spicy chicken sandwich and fries from burger king along with a pumpkin spice milk shake from Jack in the box. Oh god! My stomach was hurting before I even got a quarter through. I ate it though. First actual food FOOD to touch my lips in 4 days. What's funny was that I didn't have that bulemic voice chirp in like usual. I felt sick, like any normal person with acid reflux would feel after scarfing down that ass. Any normal person in general would feel disgusting, but I didn't feel the need to evacuate all morsels of food in my stomach. Hooray! On the flip side Miss Ana the next morning(today) was waiting peering at the scale. I had gained .6 pounds. Obviously now that'd be lower now that I've gone to the bathroom like 3 times already today! Lol so it's okay! ...sorta
Mom asked how things were going after all my revelations. I wish I could say I'm 100% cured. It's a work in progress definitely. I do feel better. Improved. More positive. The disease is a disease, and not something you can just snap off. I still weigh myself every chance I get. I'm so close to my first goal weight! I can peatically see 110 just around the corner! Ugh! This obsession is just that. I'm obssessed with the number!
I noticed today when getting ready that my cheeks are beginning to look sunken in. I have a defined cheek bone! And not using bronzer to fake it!

Continuing through a war of good and...Ana

I listen to the words of gospel. Listen to the harmony that surpasses my soul. I respond numbly in the mind, longing in the heart. Like hearing opera for the first time, my eyes swell with passion. My mind tells me, "No!" My stomach is concaved. People are starting to notice. When once that's what I wanted, now I feel the need to hide. Embarassed. Ashamed. "There's no turning back now. You've come this far." Sometimes you have to take steps back to see the steps forward. I feel that's where I am now. Looking desperately ahead. Agonizingly seeking my path to be lit clearly for me to follow. It's foggy and damp. The cold air around me makes me friction my hands together. "Sleep." A voice chilled whispers. "You'll wake up and feel better." So I go yet another day without eating. My ridiculous rationalizing tells me fasting is what buddist do to gain enlightment. Nirvana. My heart is telling me this is bull shit. So the battle continues, and I'm in a losing streak.

ED's are an addiction

This is a disease. An addiction. I'm finally realizing that I have no control.
Yesterday I worked 15 hours straight with only a 20 minute coffee/smoke break.
I came home and Travis wanted to figure out what to eat. Maybe it was to fatigue, but nothing sounded good. I knew I needed to eat, and usually a shift like that I'd be ready to binge until I couldn't move. I truly just wasn't hungry. I ate anyway, but a small serving. I tried to go back for seconds. Even filled up my bowel to the brim. I couldn't eat it.
Purging just couldn't be an option I suppose. So I just didn't eat as much as I needed to unconsciously for this reason.
Travis and I had a long talk yesterday. He admitted his distance on this "topic" was because when he doesn't understand something he ignores it. He actually told me that in his mind he thought if he didn't acknowledge it, it would go away on it's own.
It hit me. Travis didn't understand the severity. The fact that an eating disorder is an addiction. A disease! An illness. So I broke it down for him. Not being condescending but I asked him, "Honey, why do you think Phillip became addicted to crack?" He responded, "He felt that he needed to alter his reality." "But why? Why did he feel the need to alter his reality?" I asked. "There was something he just couldn't deal with, and drugs helped him not have to live in the reality." He said. "There ya go!!"
Phillip is definitely a worse case scenario, he's been through a HELL of a lot worse than me. Than anyone I've ever met. Let me ask you, why does someone who for instance was raped eventually turn to drugs? Again worse case scenario? Because that person had lost control over something, they couldn't understand, and living in a reality, with something you truly have no control over is too much to bare.
Control.
Some people are content with things they can't control. My husband for example just sort of goes numb, and has a roll with the punches mentality. My husband also explodes over things like there's finger prints on this windsheild, or ashes on this porch because of this. He CAN control THAT, he can't control that his wife has an ED.
Me on the other hand, has lived an entire life trying to control everyone around me. Not by being controlling, but making it my life's mission to make them happy. To do that meant I had to understand them. I'd lie in bed sobbing when I was a young girl because I just couldn't understand why my parents wouldn't stop fighting, why dad was a pot head, my brother a drug addict. So instead I became "cheer-leader Mandy" of the house. Always the happy one to try and make others happy. It would kill me after years of doing so, things just didn't seem to get better for these people. Dad tried to commit suicide. My brother almost died due to his addictions too many times to count. My eldest brother, also an addict with crack, died. Now THAT is by far the WORSE thing that can happen to a person like me. You can't control something or someone that's dead. That killed me inside. It was then I believe I turned to control myself. Well I can't control this and that, but I can control this razor to my skin(this was a long time ago, but the beginning of my ED). Now nothing has changed, but the "substance" if you will has changed. I still have major control issues. Instead of living with the reality that, okay Mandy you can't control if you brother stays clean. Or your parents stay out of debt, work, your husband, your friends...what have you. I have altered my reality to believe that if I can just control "THIS" then I'll be okay. Somehow everything else won't matter, or will make sense, because if nothing else, YOU have CONTROL over something. Just as crack has been my brother's substance of choice for him to control or have to deal with his own realities, anorexia has become mine. Numbers, weight, calories, bmi's, body fat, bones, overall body image is my scapegoat.
Travis and I talked all about this last night. His answer was for me was to pick something else to control. Something important. So his answer was for me to be in control of our finances. We'll have to get a computer. The reason he does our finances is because he sits in front of a computer all day. Maybe that WILL help I don't know. It's worth a try. It's going to be awhile before we can afford a computer and Internet.
It was nice to help him understand. What was scarey was the realization that if HE doesn't understand and he's living with someone with ED. How many other people think if they just ignore it it'll go away? So I've now made it a new life's mission to help people understand. The same way people who are alcoholics or crack heads, whatever their substance is, need support. So do we. We need help. I need help.

The battle

These early mornings give me too much time to think. I can't shake these thoughts, even while bombarded with things at work. I need some answers. I must not be praying hard enough. Coffee, aderals, 113 this AM. These things are what makes me happy. Trying to find a healthy way to find happiness is challenging. I think I need sleep...
I toss and turn. My nights are so restless. My days seem to be passing me in a haze. I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. Sleep for hours. I have no motivation today. Nine to work, but I'll do that anyway. None to pray, I need that the most. This hand that holds mine, even though I know it's a Boney one. One that's been eaten away by callouses and dehydration. It's one that i've found soliitude in. It was the only thing that kept me going when taking my life seemed all so...easy. It's my security blanket. My whispering lies, that I loved to believe. That somewhere inside of me I still do. It's so hard to change. Even when you know that not changing will destroy you.
I just don't want to give this up.

Breaking while walking

I'm breaking while I'm walking.
Through blurry vision, I listen and wait for a spiritual guide.
My legs are sore and everything is telling to rest.
Resting will be my grave.
That darkness that loneliness scares me now.
It's now more than ever that I need a voice.
A voice that will scream to keep pressing on.

My mother told me this would happen. There's a negativity that's craving to keep me in this Pitt. David went through this on psalm. God grounded his feet on a rock. God I need the same security you gave him. I need your light.

Last night was a true test. A test I failed. Not in my ED. In my marriage. Travis and I got in a fight. The negativity seeped into me and controlled my tongue. I did slightly mean the words I said. He does need to be more attentive. He does need to spend more time truly to KNOW me. I didn't mean what I was thinking. To leave him. The thoughts were just too powerful, and I sobbed. I told him I was trying not to let this thought bring me to purge. He goes, "Why do you need to throw up it doesn't do anything!" I cried and said, "That just proves what I've been trying to tell you. Travis since I told you about this problem, have you even done any research. You're so quick to research your next car, or trip. But you have no desire to understand me. If you truly lved me you would want to understand what I'm going through!"
of coarse we had people over and I was trying to go to sleep. We always have people over these days. Were never Alone anymore.

A new found Glory

Pleasure in losing? (part 2)

today I woke up in a complete depression. Travis and phillip has gone to do sone work, and I was alone. My anxiety kicked in about everything. Stresses at work, eating, everything! I decided I need to get out of the house. I went to starbucks. I don't usually go to starbucks on my days off. This is a treat I give myself on work days. I got my coffee and that's when I wrote "Pleasure in losing?"
There were 3 beautiful girls sitting at the table outside behind me. I couldn't stop glancing over them. Listening to their conversations. Listening to them greet every person that walked by. They intrigued me. One of the girls was talking about a tanning salon near by she wanted to go to near by. I told myself I couldn't allow this girl to go to this particular tanning salon. They're extremely over priced and rude. So I chimed in that I thought they should go to another one. I gave them directions and they thanked me. They asked if I was a musician or and artist. I smiled and said no that I was just a writer. They asked what I wrote. I told them everything. From music, poems, stories. They asked me my name. Then one of the girls asked if I needed someone to pray for me. I laughed and sarcastically responded, "Sure, actually...yeah. Doesn't everyone?" she asked if it was okay to sit next to me, and put her hand on my arm. The other girls followed and we all sat around the table. She began to pray for me.
The entire side of my body where she was touching me began to tingle. All the hairs on my arm, that side of my head, my legs stood up.
She prayed that God give me the knowledge to see how beautiful I was. That He created me like a diamond, without flaws. That I was perfect in His eyes. That no matter what I've done that He would always love me. The all began to pray. One by one. Each touching on a very sore wound that has yet to be mended to with a healing touch. They spoke about things there was no possible way they would have known. They spoke of my gifts. My got given talents that were unique that I have forgotten. That I have pushed aside, because of critisism in my past. They prayed about how God wanted me to talk to Him first if I had a problem. That my relationships were being effected all around me because of this. There was too much said to write it all down. Things so personal, and held so much personal meaning for me to ever write all down.
I cried. Even with people all around. I didn't care. I felt like I was being washed clean. Wiped gently of all my lies, my stress, my secrets.
At that moment I truly handed my life into God's hands.
Even after they were done praying we all sat there and talked. I reaffirmed everything they had said with stories about my life. I became an open book. I told them everything. EVERYTHING.
....
And I felt for the first time in years that I was free. These burdens, obligations, anxieties, were given to God.
Everything they said made since, like God was speaking through them to me. They would look at me as if listening to something inside me and would say, "...and God wants you to know that when you have a bad day, He wants you to talk to Him first. Not your husband, or so and so at work. Because they can be a good support for you, but they can't fix it. Only He can, He's going to be able to give you the answers." And I would go, "Oh my God... I was just writing about how I had ruined all my relationships (1.partly bc of my ED. 2.) I've lost trust in people by being such a gossiper. I'd vent to this person about that person. Then turn right around and vent to that person about this person. Eventually you lose trust that way.
We talked about my relationship with travis. Then they stopped and one of them said, "Im getting the feeling that the reason you're marriage isn't going the way you want it is because of a burden you're carrying that you think he should fix. God wants you to know that only He can fix you." My jaw dropped and I said, "Okay, well..I'm just going to say it...i've been suffering from an eating disorder. " I had a revalation that this whole time I've expected Travis to FIX it. I became angry and distant with him because he wasn't. I resented him for it, and it was ruining our marriage.
We talked about my brother...
There's too muchbwrite. I've spent all day off and on trying to post.
And now I'm ready to move on. Forward. Towards a new path. This one's dark, damp and lonely.

Pleasure in losing?

I sit in solitude wrapped up in layers. Shivering against a cold i've chilled myself. The pill is lodged in my throat still, and I await patiently for it's endorphine release. I ponder people, and question prayer. Shaking clinched palms begging to find salvation. My throat constricts at the need to speak aloud. To talk to Him. My shame keeps my lips pressed. I don't deserve to be saved. I've built one hell of a life. One others should think I'd be proud of. My inner demons and conflictions sway my reason to think so. I've lost. A pleasure in losing? Oh! the irony. For every friend(foe)lost, another pound shed. A weight a no longer need to carry. Gravitational pull; though, what I need the most. I use my mouth to shut people out. Burning them with the realization, that I am not what they thought. I crave the need to tell them. Why I'm really hurting. Professional relationships though are not friends (So I've learned). So instead I bury them, deep along side of me. So we can swallow dirt together. I do unconsciously. You are a product of your environment, and mine has taught me to keep your "friends" close and your enemies closer. Where I go from 6 feet to a deeper level of descend, is when they gain this knowledge. Where their trust in me is broken, and I'm finally free. They claw triumphantly out of the earth, and leave me screaming silently to myself, smiling and alone. What bewilders me is my own bewilderment of this outcome. I question, why?! I question THEIR true intentions! I'M the victim! They're out to burn ME! I've created my own voids in relationships, but find all the fault to be theirs. This is where I panic. This is where the anxiety kicks in. Where insomnia starts. Where eating stops. I'm Alone. Where my disorder wants me to be, but what my soul craves passionately to have. I have no friends. I have no one to confide in. No one to tell of my secret. "Ana" is proud. "I" am miserable.
This is where I plead desperately to God. To save me. To help me keep my relationships. To help me to keep my feet grounded. Not to distance myself. I'm sorry to those I've Truly unintentionally hurt. I realize now that my "problem" is officially out of my control. I am now taking accountability, and admitting that I have lost ALL control over this. Forget the long term health negatives to this, I'm losing everything for this. Everything. I need help. Please God help me.
Last night was scarey. I was at my parent's house, and my dad called me into the kitchen. "Here baby, try this!" he was trying to hand me feed me some dessert he made. I panicked and threw a tantrum. "No dad! Please NO! I don't want it! Please!! Mom! Please tell dad to stop! I don't want any!!" I ran into the living room and dad brought my mom a plate. It was line she was taunting me. Eating slowly in front of me. Offering me bites. Making them smaller and smaller. "How about this much, will you just take a small bite?" I sat there trying to look at it. Panicking though at my "scene." Theyre going to know I'm getting worse. They're going to know I've lost control! That when once I could just take a bite. I ran desperately into the kitchen to find something to save face. I grabbed a carton of icecream and a spoon. I sat down in front of them and began to take little bites. Talking non stop about what I was eating. "This is so good! I'm trying to find the cookie pieces in this thing." after a few bites mom says, "Geeez, Mandy don't eat it ALL!" I stopped eating. This kind of confusing dialouge keeps me in an absolutely crazed state of mind.
I weighed myself this morning, and should of smiled at the solid 114 staring back at me. Especially since I'm menstruating. My mind is numb. I don't see this as a success. "113 would of been something to celebrate...you shouldn't of are that icecream." My brother on the way home tried to comfort me, "Mandy you really didn't eat that much. It was just a few bites." I drove in silence.
One night last week I binged at my brother's house. I ate mini cinnamon rolls, a pumpkin muffin, wendy's...on the late night drive home panic set in. "You can not keep this in!" I grabbed a bag that was in my side pocket in my car, and viciously made myself vomit while driving. Somehow I found humor in this. Like, "Oh Mandy, you've hit an all time low! This is a great idea! No more sneaking into comvienant stores. Avoiding eye contact with the clerk. Hoping they think I'm snorting coke rather than puking.*laughs*" Its sad when you actually want people to think you're on drugs rather than you have an eating disorder. Then I noticed my hand feeling warm. The bag was too thin to hold the contents. I flipped on my overhead light and looked down. Vomit covered my jeans. I disgusting rolled down my window and threw it out onto the street. The next day Travis saw the vomit and asked what happened, and I lied. I told him I had drank and got sick. I would rather have travis believe I was drunk then purging...

Wednesday night

One of the bloggers I was devoted to wrote her last entry. Daisy is disappearing. She writes so beautifully. I recommend finding her blog, and quickly reading all of it, before it's permanently deleted. :( I don't know why this makes me so sad.

I guess I'm always looking for understanding. I crave knowledge. I'm obsessed with how the human brain works. Why is So-and-So addicted to drugs? How does person A. have the skills and will to overcome them, but person B. doesn't? Why does This person struggle to keep food down, where That person it is all they can do to eat at all?
What happened? Troubled childhood? Genetic? Everyone is different, and for me, reading other people's stories make me feel closer to understanding the subcontext clues to mine.

My brother and I talk a lot about Binge disorders. He's the only one who truly knows where I'm coming from, because he suffers with a different substance. Mine being food/weight, his being drugs. I can call him crying about how guilty I feel about eating, and he relates, he talks to be like an AA buddy or something.
I guess that's what I've been searching for on this damn thing. Someone to understand. Someone to simply say, you're not crazy, I get it. I have no girl friends I can talk to about it. My husband's rose colored glasses won't let him believe I have an actual problem. He seems to think I'm just "insecure." If you met me you'd believe I was the most confident person you've ever met. I play my role well. The happy, perky, "alway's happy" Mandy that everyone hares to love. Inside. I'm bitter. Inside I'm cold. Inside I'm crude. Demented. Fucked up. Maybe subconsciously I just decided to wear it. Maybe I am smiling, but maybe if people see me phsically wasting away, they might stop and re-think some things. Take back their conception of me. Respect me.
You can't expect things from others though you can't learn to do for yourself.
There's a lot I'm not proud of. Nothing compared to other people's woes. I find myself submerging in theirs. To decend my own deeper into my heart, my soul. I think years of doing that is coming back to haunt me. Starting to take it's tole.
114 this evening.

Wednesday morning

I'm so exhausted. Work has been absolutely physically demanding along with emotional. I wish I had the courage to just find another job, but my conscious and my pride keeps me there. I'm constantly trying to prove myself. Prove that I can do this. I have serious control issues. Control over my emotions. Emotions to quit. I challenge myself to keep going. Keep working. Keep losing weight. I've turned my life into one huge game of Risk. Except the risks I make I've convinced myself... Is all WORTH it in the end. If I can just get promoted. If I can just lose 5-10 more pounds, maybe just maybe I'll feel like a void has been filled.
Being a Gemini makes me never satisfied.
I talked to my husband's aunt yesterday about this Feeling. She told me i'll grow out of it. That with time, I'll learn to be content.
I can't imagine my life being content. I can't imagine a life where I don't strive, obsess rather, on accomplishing something.
I listen to my uncle talk about my aunt and how she's list all this weight. How did she do it, I asked. "She just doesn't eat..." I have created a monster. In June when I saw her last she asked me how I have lost so much weight. I saarcastically responded chipperly mind you, "Well, I don't eat Aunt Rita! *laughs maniacally*" I'm not saying I encouraged, or was even the reason she has started a "diet" of her own. It hurts me to think that there are others who suffer with these thoughts. This lack of content, with living in their own skin. It also makes me think, my God she's almost 55. At 55, I don't want to be this way. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to accept myself, and some days I do. Some days I can eat normally and laugh. Truly laugh. Truly smile while stuffing my face with filth. Then the dawn cones. The scale screams. Or was that me?

My brother's court went well. They dropped all charges, but he's still on probation for the next 15 months. Husband and I have talked about him moving in. We could use the extra money. Plus I spend all my time with him anyway, so it won't be much of a culture shock.
Got a refill on my aderals.
Weight isn't where I want it. What can I do? Except try harder...
115 this AM.

I am an extremely impatient person. I hate waiting. If I have in my mind I'm supposed to do something, I better do it, and no one shall stand in my way. Anyone who does will be morbidly shot down and speared.

Last night I went the whole day with not a morsel of food to my lips. I had 2 altoids, like 7 cals. Then at 11pm I opened the fridge. *sigh* I grabbed a left over salad and scarfed it down like my life depended on it. I laid in bed tormenting myself for an hour. Lucky for me I did weigh .6 less this AM than yesterday. My mind always screams at me, "It wouldve been less if you hadn't..."
Nights are always the hardest for me. Any advice how not to binge at night?
I'm running out of my aderal which keeps my hunger at bay, but I can't take it at night or I'll be up all night. Help...
My brother is going to court tomorrow for his sentencing. He broke his parole, so they're trying him from everything he's done since 2007. I'm worried for him, he could go to prison for 18 months. He's been doing so well, and I don't want this to break him.
My dad is suicidle and my mom may have cancer. This has just been a fabulous week for me and it's only Wednesday...

So some wise crack told me the best thing you can drink after a work out is chocolate milk. What I don't think he meant was a toffee mocha from starbucks. The girl had to repeat my drink order like 3x, "So, you want 1/2 a pump of toffee nut, and 1 pump mocha?" Yes damn it! It's unbelievable how many pumps they put in those drinks! I worked there back in my youth for 6 months, I know how it works. It's amazing what an obssesive brain can retain. Ha!
So anywho, today was actually my 1st day back at the gym. Work has been running me absolutely ragged. I've been so tired after work recently, all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch my Married with children seasons.
That's all going to change! I'm starting my liquid diet again today. I count baby food as a liquid. Sweet potato is my fav!
Things between the husband and I are getting better. We were going through a rather rough patch. With my emotional break downs becoming a nightly ordeal. Husband has decided to make some changes within himself to hopefully make me happier. If he only knew that unfortunately no matter what he does, happiness for me, is always temporary. That is until I step on the scale in the morning, after work, before bed, and break down. He's threatened to throw the scale away. I lashed out verbally and tore him a new one, imature-like stomping my feet yelling, "I'll just buy a new one! Or drive to your dad's house and use his!" BUT I don't have a problem, NO. He's so oblivious...
He's broken his bowel, and threw away his "supplies" saying its his fault I'm so insecure, smoking weed makes him useless in the bedroom. Though this is partly true, I've had this problem LONG before he even entered my life.
The changes That need to be made are by me and ne Alone.

Starting over

Alright enough funny business!
I've been doing some major slacking. Totally binges last night on some pizza hut! Sometimes I hate having people over, obligations to stuff my face is not fun.
I think I finally feel well enough to start the gym up again. I had the flu that's kicked my butt from here to Egypt. So today no husband, no brother, house ALL to myself. I'm thinking after work I head to the gym, then maybe to the mall to buy some new work pants.
Weighing in this morning at an embarrassing high 117...thank u refusal to purge. Knew I shouldve but got to paranoid. Hopefully that shit will fall off in the next couple of days.
So sadly my goal of 110 is further than ever it seems.
I'll get there, not going to let it get me down. I'm actually in a surprisingly great mood. Coffee influenced? Yes, but who the fuck cares.

Cigarettes and the Irish

Instead of buying money for food:
For my lovely friends who smoke, use that money to buy what I like to call my "Rich Bitch Cigarettes." either benson and hedges, or dunhills. So worththe price.
If you do smoke I've notcied that changing up the type of smokes helps recurb your appetite. Maybe it's all mental, who cares, it works for me. I was a menthol gal, and I bought some regulars. It's like I've just started smoking again. Curbed appetite, bowel movements more frequent. Sucess!
#2: blast Flogging Molly. I live this band. How you can think about eating listening to an Irish rock band? Though it does make me want to drink like I fish. I fucking love the Irish! Lol

I don't even know why I have a blog. Nobody reads this thing.
Husband has agreed that we can afford to buy me a new lap top! This excites me. I only have an Iphone which is very hard to write on. I miss writing I use to do it everyday. There's something therapeutic for me in it. I think it'll help my anxiety, and become a healthy way for me to control it.
I've been so terribly disappointed in myself recently. I haven't been able to say "NO!" Fried shrimp, chocolate chip cookies. I feel disgusted. I've finally bought Wasted, the book all you lovely girls recommend reading. I feel such a heart ache reading that book. I know I'll never get that bad, but the other side of me is saying, "Yes you could!" I feel so naive, in that, "It can't happen to me." state of mind. I read everyone elses stats, and I'll admit I'm jealous. I'm 5'6 pushing, as of this morning, 116. I read about a girl an inch shorter than me who weighs 100, and I panic. I know it's stupid. I know this isn't healthy. I just can't seem to shut that part of my brain up. I can't stop stepping on the scale everytime I enter the bathroom. I can't stop panicking after 3 days of not having a bowel movement, and reach with sweaty hands for the laxatives. The numbers drive me insane. I don't know if I'd consider myself anorexic or bulemic, after reading some blogs. I have the tendencies. I recognize that. I just can't, and a part of me has not even the desire to, stop.
Stop.
That's exactly what i've been doing.
I've stopped:
writing.
Hanging out with my girl friends.
Pursuing my career agressively.
Singing.
Taking walks.
And now... EATING.
What else do I have to give up to realize, sonethings wrong.
I just don't have the energy to figure out what, nevermind correcting it.
I have the number to a psychiatrist. My control, or admitting a lack there of, keeps me from calling. Conveinantly forgetting.
Just as I have with eating today, and tomorrow... And...

I have the flu.
Why is it when you're sick everything is lost. All my issues with control come to head. I have to eat or I'll get sicker. So needless to say I'm miserable. I've managed to gain 4 pounds from my lowest. I know it's not much, but it drives me crazy that I don't have the strength to "correct" it.
I have slept literally the past 3 days straight. My day consist of eating, meds, sleep, and repeat. I am taking this eating thing to a whole new level too. I actually went to crackle barrel today and placed a to go order. *laughs* a TO GO order! 3 pancakes, 2 eggs, and 3 pieces of bacon later... I passed out. For 5 hours. Partially from a food coma, the other from utter weakness. So it appears September as a whole has been a freebie month with my disorder. First honeymoon, now the flu. Fine body eat your fucking food if you must, but damn it as soon as I'm better I'm going to live at the gym if I have to!
I'm going to a gastro doctor tomorrow, they're going to do a consultation before dum dum dum...a colonoscopy! Hooray! No actually I am a little excited to hopefully get some answered, solutions to my bathroom issues. Knowing my luck it'll be nothing. Colon cancer and chrones run in my family. I'm just over paranoid. The damn Gemini in me, makes me such a hypocondriac!
So hopefully I'll have some renown thinspiration for everyone when I get better. Wish me well, wish me thin...

I'm back from Europe! What a wonderful time! I went to Italy, Amsterdam, and Paris. Ironic to some, I hated Paris. Amsterdam was absolutely amazing. No it wasn't because of the legalized devil's lettace. That's not my thing. The country was stunning. The food, the people! Ah I can't wait to go back! Italy was orgasmically beautiful!
I'm pretty impressed considering I hate that a fat kid at the county fair, I only gained 3 pounds. So hopefully that won't be too hard to work back off. It's amazing to me how 3 pounds looks like 10.
So today I start my liquid diet. Protein shakes, diet peach tea, and water. Going to the pool today for some laps, then to the gym for a serious work out. Aderals definitely help with extended gym time.

Apparently I'm blind to people. My friend D I was told by my inlaws treats me like crap. They apparently can't stand them. They told how incredibly odd it is that I don't see how crude he is to me. I guess I have a dark sense of humor that if someone I consider my friend calls me crazy or stupid I just laugh. A maniacal laugh at that. I don't get offended easily. It's too time consuming to analyze everything someone says to me. I take people for who they are. I consider myself open minded and non judgemental. It does irritate me that maybe I am a bit nieve, and if my husbands friend IS in fact rude to me, why hasn't he defended my honor?
That's another thing...my husband. His anger issues are necomming something of alarm. Even his mother confided in me yesterday about his outburst of negativity.
Example of my husband: we were waiting in the airport, T was drinking a beer and had knocked it over. The beer spilled into his hat that was on the floor. T's comments about this siutation, "Of coarse out of all the places for my beer to fall in the place. It has to fall in my hat! All the square footage in the place! This is my luck, this is what I deal with on a day to day basis!" I told him he can wear my hat if it bothered him that bad, while I tried to dry his hat off. "Its the principle!" He responded. I finally looked at him and said, "You know what baby, it's people like you who get cancer. You get so upset over the littlest things, God's going to teach you a real lesson about having problems." I know harsh, but I couldn't take it anymore. THIs is what I deal with on a day to day basis! He seemed to calm down and apologized, and he always apologizes, but it gets to a pint where I'm like, when's it going to change? He snapped at his own mother for splashing water on our kitchen counter. I need some advice on how to handle him.

Mia I said no burgers!

114
Somehow I need to find a way to manage to lose another pound by tomorrow. I need to put in atleast two hours at the gym for my absence lately. Ugh, my thighs are starting to jiggle again.
My entire body aches. Husband made dinner last night for my brother, our friend D and myself. Even though none of us were hungry. I numbly scarfed down the burger, mac n' cheese, corn, and tomatoes. It was weird because I had finished my food before any of the guys. Usually I'm the picker (for obvious reasons). I'll let the food sit there and make an excuse why I can't finish it. Too full, stomach hurts, the flavor is off. I need some new ones actually. I don't know if it's my lack of food, that whenever there's a plate in front of me I don't even have time to react? My brain goes into shut down mode so I can't even think I don't want it. Well fuck that! I practically clawed at my skin until everyone left and I was Alone. Counting the minutes, okay, so it's been 20 minutes, I'll be able to still get a lot of it out. I should've started drinking water like 5 minutes ago! Drove me crazy, but I managed to maintain 114. So I'm good. Bubba Burgers are definitely on my to never eat again list. That shit fucking hurts coming back up.

114.2
I broke down and took Phillips last night.
I'm not happy unless I'm empty.
Feeling bloated and full makes me absolutely miserable.
I leave for Europe in a matter of days.
Hopefully I'll be at a new ultimate low by them.
Oh, to see 113. How magical!
I'm feeling a lot better today.
I got up early took a long time getting ready.
There's something therapeutic for me in doing my hair and make up.
Hearing my husband wolf whistle as I walk downstairs.
Me rolling my eyes, trying to hide my smile.
Aderal and diet coke=breakfast of champions!
Here's to an amazing day!
...
I need to go to the gym. Yesterday I noticed my thighs beginning to jiggle again.
Thus ending with me chugging my laxi.
I haven't been in 2 weeks. Energy level has been at 0.
We'll see how the day plays out.

My will seems depleted.
I can see the dark clamy hole awaiting my jump. 
My knees buckle as I force them to stay grounded.
It seems so redundant. 
So, repetitve with a gluttony for punishment. 
I bask in the cold air that resonates from with in.
I close my eyes and inhale deeply one last time before taking the plunge. 
My fingers burn from the cigarette I clinch between boney fingers.
The yellowing of my nails just symbolize the decaying of my body. 
I want to care. 
I want to feel saved. 
Instead I gourge myself with this feeling. 
Feeling this low will be my control. 
In some sick way, I know the control is one to starve.
One to deplete. 
Concaved emotions. 
My only solitude. 
Happiness seems more like a momentary lapse in judgement. 
This masquerade will destroy me. 
My smile will crack. 
Through the opening for air flow I will only hold my breath.
Praying for the breath to choke me.
I awake and instantly want to cry.
Scream and beat the sheets with sweaty fist. 
I'm so tired...sleep seems too short.
Breathing seems too long. 
Numb doesn't even begin to describe... 

This isn't really the beginning is it?

No I can't really say that this is. The beginning I mean. When for as long as you can remember there has always been something wrong with you. The mirror is my enemy, I fight back the urge to pound my fist at it's optical illusions.
I am married, and for the most part on the outside live the perfect life. I have a career, I have my own house, my own car. Those things don't matter do they? I've always said I hated materialistics, because no matter how much I have, I can't seem to break away from what I love to lose. My obsessions will eventually destroy me.
Current weight: 114.4
Body fat 16%
Water weight 60%
Lowest weight: 114
Highest weight: 136
Height 5'6
I'm finding out that my old time friend Mr. Laxi is coming back to haunt me in a very unflattering way. I can't have a bowel movement with out some sort of assistance. Miralax, metamucil, Phillips...I've tried them all. I'm going to have to have to have surgery in 6 weeks. To those who don't know abusing laxitives causes hemrroids. I told you it wasn't
flattering.
The funny part is, is even that isn't even enough for a wake up call. I haven't ate all day, and don't intend to. I've been drinking water and coffee all day. Aderals are my new best friend due to the fact they keep my anxiety and hunger at bay. My husband begged me to eat last night, and yes I really didn't feel good. I think though he's finally after 5 months and 10 pounds later, realizing that maybe there's a problem here. I have no ultimate goal weight. With each pound lost is a small victory. I stopped making goals, because creating new ones was exhausting. I just want to wake up in the morning and weigh less than the day before. Point blank.
This is my high. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. THIS is my escape from reality. This is my secret. Though some people have been let in recently due to my mental breakdown the other day. It's mine. It's MY problem. My burden. I don't want help. I like to release the tormoil it cost bottling up these motives, but it's not fair to do that to my family and my friends. They've been through enough. I've always been the rescuer, not the rescue-e.
I have lost a lot of myself these past 2 years. I use to love to write. It was my escape. I haven't penned down any of my emotions in so long. I've almost forgotten how therapeutic it can be. I got tired of constantly writing about my troubles with bulemia. Every entry was about purging. Sometimes I would purge just so I could have something to write about. So I boycotted my journal. Ashamed of what my children might read one day.