Circles

These past few days have gone by in a blur. I on the epilogue of unbearable lightness by Portia de rossi. It's amazing! What's sad is that I'm just like every other person with an addiction. "That'll never happen to me!" the other side of is screaming, "You idiot, she didn't get to 82 over night!" It's a slow process, and like she wrote it creeps up on you without a conscious effort. I've got a whole bottle of addys. I've been eating, but obviously not like a normal person. I know this, but change is hard and I find myself still celebrating my "loses."
111.
111!
Flipping crazy! I see this number digitally justifying how my day will be. I smiled and looked at Travis and said, "Im looking pretty good these days!" he responds with, "Yeah you look great!! Keep it up!" *laughs* Keep it up Mandy. You're so close!
My thoughts are jumbled with reasonings. To stop, to keep going. I can't pinpoint why exactly. Why I can't just say, okay Ive met my first goal weight of 115. Time to stop. I wasn't impressed with 115. I looked in the mirror with a, "That's it?" attitude. I want more. Now I'm only 1 pound away from my second goal weight. I can taste it, if nothing else...I can taste success!
I really thought I wouldve heard something by now from that other job. It's disheartening. I thought I blew them away. I guess I'm not as amazing as I was exuding myself to be. I actually thought my self esteem would elevate when I got that call. An offer. It's been a week. I've heard nothing. Nobody wants me. I'm not talented. I'm not smart. I'm embarrased that I went and told everyone how great it went. I should of kept my big mouth closed. I set myself up for failure. As soon as I walked out of there. I just "knew" I had the job.
I'm trying NOW to convince myself that God has a plan for me. I just have to keep praying that he'll lead me to glory. Lead me to my path.
I've got a devil sitting so close to me. Keeping my fingers warm holding this cigarette. Whispering words of comfort. "Once you're at 110, things will start to happen. You haven't met your goal weight. You can't expect to succeed in one thing when you're failing in another."
I want so bad to be successful. I want to be on top. As the numbers decrease my chances to rise increase. It's a sick aweful way of thinking, but I can't help it.
I need this, because when everything else is failing. Maybe I can win at this. Maybe this will make me happy.
I know it's all a lie. I'm writing in circles, because that's how my mind works. Constantly spinning around and around with this thing.

In other news. I made a new friend! We spent 8 hours talking at caribou Wednesday. We went out together last night too! I adore her!
On a more somber note, it hasn't been proven but I know Phillips back into drugs. His mysterious money loss and distance is telling me exactly what I already knew.