Incessant ramblings.

I feel like such an asshole. I really need to be careful about what I say to people. We had an all store meeting today. We broke off into groups and one of the girls I work with, her body language really offended me. I felt disrespected, bc her body language to me was screaming, "I don't care about anything you're saying." so we were talking about how to read body language from a guest and how to begin to schmooze over the guest if you pick up on that. So I said, "Yeah if you see a guest looking like _ say something!" probably not the best way to handle that situation. I guess my on going problem is that I expect too much from people. I expect her to be attentive, bc I like herso much. Instead I was unprofessional and she got pissed and stormed out after the meeting. Not before, of coarse, telling another manager what I'd done, who then told ourGM. So now I'm an even a bigger ass. Go Mandy...
I just left. I emotionally couldn't sit there in the office. I went in to tell my GM what happened, and have that other manager say, "Oh I already told her!" can I not tell our GM anything on my own? THIS is why I can't trust anyone there. God forbid everyone can't let ME handle my own business. They gain something by being the first to tell her. So I now look unprofessional and like I can't handle my own. I really hate that place!
On a bright note, because it was an all store meeting people had food. Bagels, etc. I ate nothing! Not a bite. Just kept filling up my coffee cup! Mandy 1:Food 0!
Today I was very unhappy to see the 112 on the scale. Last night I ended up eating about 2 cups of Chinese rice, 1 chicken wing, and 1/2 cup non fat yogurt. I feel so fat still, even though the 00's I bought for work are now lose. How can they be when I'm back up to 112? Okay okay 1 freaging pound or 1.8 doesn't make that mch of a difference. It's just the point. I need that #! it's all I have right now. I have nothing else to look forward to on a day to day basis. I need that # to remind me that I am propelling further in my goals. As a whole. Moving up at work(no). Moving up creatively(no)...it temporarily gives me that sense of satisfaction.
Without it, I feel like a failure. My self esteem is at 0...
Travis wanted me to go to a bar with him and our friend today for some beer event, but I don't want to go. I just want to take a nap. Sleep until it's time to work again at 5pm.
I don't feel like being social. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't seem to do that these days. REALLY cry. To just LET it all OUT!
It's funny how the things I need most i avoid.
I feel inadequette at work, and tapers off into my life outside of work. I feel distant. Zombified on the inside. Like outside I'm bubbly energetic and happy, but inside it's like I'm talking but it's not my voice. My brain doesn't connect with what I'm saying or doing. Is that depression? Sometimes I feel it borders on schkietzophrinia. I feel crazy...
Today's calorie intake plan: coffee and eat nothing, bc our friends want us over tonight for a cookout. GOD I don't wanna go for the simple reason that I will eat. I can't fake a tummy ache or any other illness, bc as soon as the food's in front of me I'll break. It'll take all my will power just to STOP eating. I have to scream at myself silently, okay Mandy that's enough!! Last night the only reason I didn't eat my weight in chicken wings is bc I told myself I wanted yogurt. So I spent like 3 minutes making it perfect. I used a really cute martini glass to put it in so 1/2 cup looked like a lot. I picked out the smallest spoon we had. I strategically poured slivers of honey in a precise design where I'd be able to taste it with each bite, but not going over a tablespoon. I would stick the spoon in the mix and pull it out eating whatever stuck to the spoon, rather than taking full bites. Afterwards I felt accmplished AND satisfied! I think I'll start breaking up my granola bar I usually eat for lunch into pieces and put in a zip lock bag. So I can't be tempted to shove the whole damn thing in my mouth. Much like yesterday, which made me eye the 2nd one like a hawk. I had to chain smoke and hide it away in my bag to keep from eating it. Tomorrow I WILL be 111. I plan on taking my laxis tonight. No more f-ing around. I'm having trouble using the bathroom again. It's like my body doesn't know how digest Real food anymore. Coffee, granola bars yeah. Rice, chicken...no.