In another funk. Can I not just be okay? Why does it seem the universe wants me unhappy? I keep having nightmares. Where they're so bad I wake up in a panic. Last night I woke up and had IBS the dreams were so bad.
I woke up instantly depressed. Suicidle. I thought about letiing the car run with me in it in the garage. I have the I don't even care anymore attitude. I don't care to go to work. I don't care to get out of bed. I just have no energy to do anything.
The light outside bothers my eyes. The smoke that breaks off a long draw off a cigarette burns and causes my eyes to water. I need the ncotine. The one habit I have now that I can control.
I ate dinner last night. Cheeseburger and French fries. I went to the gas station and got one of those Xmas tree cakes and a Crunch bar. I wasn't hungry, but I ate it. I even tried waiting a hour before I actually ate it. Thinking the craving would pass. It's the same every time I eat. I go numb and eat everything in sight. The next day I'm in tormoil. Completely distraught that I did such a disgusting thing. A salad wasn't an option. I didn't even read the description of the options of salads. I saw burger I ordsered burger. Maybe my body needed protein. Maybe my body needed sugar. I still feel like a failure. Last night I told Travis that I was on an extremely light day of my period, as I wrapped my leg over his when we laid down to bed. I pressed my body hard up against him. He goes, "So it's not done?" I said, "Well pretty much, I'm not bleeding." He asked me about my day. I moved away from him. We went to sleep. This morning I asked him if it was because I ate like a pig. He said no. Why can I not accept that? Why can I not just say. Okay he just wasn't in the mood. Instead I punish myself to filling up 2 cups of dry cereal and tell myself I better make that last all day. I punish myself by allowing myself only 1 coffee drink, my only other liquid calories will be a vitamin water. 0 cal vitamin water. I'm irrespnsible. I fat lazy cow. Who's only happy when um stuffing face. I purged twice yesterday. That's probably the only reason I gained just. Pound after my fat fest yesterday.
I thought in the morning, how fun I'll make bran muffins and have a snack for six days. I ate them all. As I'm lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor I thought. "Why?" why did I do that? No more food. Then came chocolate covered almonds. Then dinner...
I can't stop! It's so much easier for me to just not eat. I can't have breakfast. I can't have a snack. My mind goes into self prssrvation mode, and I eat all the calories I restricted for X amount of days in one sitting. This morning I got an email from my gym. I get these motivational emails on a day to day basis. I usually delete them, but this one was apparently written for me :
Mandy,
It seems as if the Thanksgiving to New Year's holiday season is one long, tempting food fest designed to make us gain weight. It is possible to keep the holiday food fests from ruining your fitness plans. The key is to workout several times each week and follow some of these helpful tips.
Healthy Lifestyle Tip: Preventing holiday weight gain
It's commonly thought that the typical holiday weight gain is around 5 pounds (2.3 kilograms). In reality, it's probably less. The catch, though, is that even a small holiday weight gain is seldom lost – adding to the cumulative weight gain that happens over time. Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the upcoming season and avoid holiday weight gain:
Take it a Day at a Time. Strive to balance out your calories over the day or at least over a couple of days. If you'll be consuming extra calories at a social event in the evening, make adjustments earlier in the day. Focus on fruits and veggies along with some lean protein and high-fiber grains to keep your appetite in check.
Spurn the Party Snacks. Don't waste your calories mindlessly by munching salty or sugary snack foods. Save your calories for the big event – dinner and dessert.
Be Selective. Buffets don't have to be all you can eat. Survey the offerings. What looks too good to pass up? What can you live without? Focus on what you'll enjoy, not how much you can squeeze on your plate.
Decorate Your Plate. Fill half to three-quarters of your plate with colorful raw veggies, fruits or items that have these as their main ingredient. You know creamy sauces and cheesy toppings are going to add calories, so take smaller portions. Fill the rest of your plate with lean meat or seafood choices.
Mind Your Manners and Portions. At sit-down affairs, graciously sample all foods for your own experience and to please your host. However, you don't have to clean your plate to demonstrate your appreciation.
Practice Discretion. Identify the added calorie culprits, such as cheese or cream sauces and fillings, and discretely move some or all to the side of your plate. You'll still get the flavor just not all the unnecessary calories and fat.
Plan for Indulgence. If you want to indulge in a homemade holiday treat or luscious dessert, ask yourself what you're willing to give up in exchange. Will it be something at lunch or dinner, or your afternoon snack? Or, are willing to put in the extra time at the gym?
Source: MayoClinic.com
Over the next few weeks notice what is in your hand, on your plate and what you are about to eat. Resolve to not feel tired and sluggish. Always look for opportunities to move! Keep in mind that celebrations are really about family and friends.
Here here!
Off to work. Where I'll be blamed for everything going wrong. Made to feel like a worthless piece if garbage before heading home to feel like the ugliest woman on the face of the planet. Who's husband won't make love to her because she's a worthless piece of garbage.
Happy Thursday everyone...
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