If you love something. Let it go.

I'm usually pretty good at not letting my depression effect my relationships with people. Strangers are feeling the grunt of my unhappiness. I drove to work today and fantasised about whipping car onto the median into oncoming traffic. I'm finding it hard to find reasons to be here at all. Nobody wants me. At work it's very clear that I'm expendible to them. At home I feel unworthy of everything. My husband has no sex drive. How can I NOT think it's me. I hear the whole it's not you it's me bullshit. That's crap! I know if I was pretty and skinny he'd want me. He'd make an effort. I made the mistake of weighing myself after eating and 2 cups of coffee. I'm fat and disgusting. No wonder my husband has "no sex drive." I bet if he was with someone else he wouldn't have a problem. His problem is me. His wife is a fucking failure. I fail at maintaining goals. I'm a flake. A useless waste of space. What's the point? What's the point of trying to find "the light?" darkness is my heart, my soul. I feel a tightening in my chest...a stronger will than anything I can control to just stop. Stop moving. Stop breathing. I don't want to live. It's disgusting that I even feel this way. I'm a disgrace. I thought about taking all my addys to go into cardiac arrest. I thought about causing wrecks to hopefully die in a car accident. What if I didn't die? What if I lived through my attempts of suicide. *laughs* I wouldn't even succeed at THAT! That would ruin me. If I actually lived. That fear of not acheiving that ironically keeps me from doing it. Not my family or friends, the fear that ONCE again Mandy would fail. That's what keeps me from "pulling the trigger" it's a sick mind I'm working with here. Travis told me he's going to give me a reason to live...
I can't do this to him. I can't bring him down with me.
He should leave me. Who wants a depressed fat wife?
He's got his good credit, his cat, his friends, his car...he'd be okay.
When you love someone, truly love them, you want the best. Even if the best is not what you can give them. I can't get past this, and I love him enough to help him move on. I helped build his credit. I built his confidence, now he can use that to be secure with someone else.