I'm so tired.
My body is weak. My mind is exhausted. I feel a weight pulling me down towards the earth. I sit, knees bent, one crossed over the other, and think about standing. My back aches by being pressed up against the siding of the house. I push back harder to accentuate the pain. Pain is a feeling, and right now I'm dying to feel something. Today has been a test of strength. Today I failed.
I've purged three times. One of those times was at the gym. I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from something. Anything. Everything. I got dizzy and vomitted. Luckily I made it in time to the toilet. I was self induced. I couldve just stopped, but I forced myself to puke so I could keep running.
I stopped believing in bulemia as a method to lose weight. As I stared at the scale when I got home, with the bold 112 flashing in my face, it again concured that NO throwing up doesn't make you lose weight. I didn't care. I knew that when I was shoving my fingers down my throat. I knew it, but didn't care. I wanted to get rid of something. Feel some sense of relief with being empty. I won. I'm empty. Hollow. A shell. A zombie. My face contorting into a shape I thought I'd manipulated. I thought I could fool myself much like everyone else. My reflection shows the truth. I failed. Frowny faced fat girl staring back at me with shadowed eyes. I don't recognize myself. This person doesn't make me happy to see. I turn at different angles, and gape at the image looking back in disgust. My stomach is pouched out like I'm pregnant. My ass is too small above these jello thighs.
One of the girls I met at starbucks text me and asked how things were going. She wants to catch up. Ironically enough, couldn't come at a more perfect time. Maybe it's a reminder. Of what epiphany I had found, and soon forgot.
Dear Lord,
Please give me strength to make it through tonight. Help me see my true path. Guide me somehow to see that I am meant to be here. I've been contemplating ending this plan of life you have for me too early. Lord I know that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't have the strength to turn to you. I'm sorry my pride keeps me hidden from you. Please Lord forgive me for my sins. Please Lord help me remember that it is you I should turn to first. My disorder is not the key to happiness Lord. I want to smile knowing how proud you are of me. Like a proud parent watching their talented child acheiving their every wish and dream. God I feel like I haven't even began. I feel lost in this battle. I need you right now. Open my eyes, my heart Lord to let you in. I need to feel the warmth of your love melt this cold within my soul. I want to feel alive in your Glory. I want to live a happy life, but tonight I just ask you to support my weight as I try to stand. As I try to walk and turn from my demons. Thank you Lord for the blessings in my life, that at times I fail to see when feeling the way I do. In your name I pray. Amen
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