Guilt

There are some things I can't write on paper. Some things, my sister says, I should take to my grave.
I knew it was wrong. Wrong in the sense of what would happen. I knew it, but yet acted on the impulse anyways.
My body shakes and my insides feel like they're going to explode. I can't be that girl. The take it to my grave. I fucked up. The worse part is, I wanted to. I wanted to sabotage my life.
In those moments, lips pressed desperately onto another's mouth, I was in heaven. Alcohol induced, I felt it was right. Lying awake, next to my husband, the alcohol seeping out of my pores, it came. Guilt. What have I done?
I want him. Is that horrible? Even with the guilt, I want to give in again. I dreamt about him. I woke up and thought about him. The phone call I got from him driving home to my husband where he said, "I think your dad would be happy we're talking." what is he feeling/thinking? If he is just looking for a one night stand, that's a really fucked up thing to say.
I could have fucked him. I didn't. I wanted to. I pulled away and said, "Not like this. Go home to your wife." on the phone he said, "You're right, I'm glad we didn't, it should be special if we did."
What am I thinking? Like this guy is going to leave his wife, like I'm going to leave my husband?
Jesus Christ.

Forgive me

I haven't purged in a long time.
Tonight though, i have lost hope.
Hope that maybe things are getting brighter. That I can get through this.
Today I realized that I not only lost my daddy, but my mama too. She is not the same woman she was when dad was alive. She's no longer caring, giving, nuturing. Today she told me, "I love you kids, but I have to take care of me." that was with me calling in deep depression. God forbid I reach out to her for emotional support.
My restricting is getting worse/better. I lasted until 10:30 tonight without a morsel of food. Depression takes my appetite away. After I ate though I asked myself, "Why?" why bother staying "healthy"? I stopped purging when my mom and sister showed concern, but where are they now? Ive gained weight to make them happy, and now they've moved on. No longer concerned about me. Everyone was so concerned about my purging, I went to restricting all day binging at night. Binging due to my habit of knowing I could just throw it up, but I didn't. For a month.
My depression has deepened and nobody has noticed because, "She's not purging anymore." I lost concern from my family, emotional support. Why doesn't anyone understand that an ED doesn't just disappear once you stop restricting or purging?! Emotional support is even more critical during recovery!
My dad's death has brought on so much pain. My family is ripped apart. I'm lost, numb, paralyzed in my soul.
The flash backs are the worse. PRSD is very common apparently with children who lose their parents to suicide. I feel like I'm going insane.
Daddy I don't understand. Why did you do this? How could you have not known what this would do to us?! You always thought mom and I were the strong ones. Look at us now. It's scarey how quickly the life you cherished is ripped from your grasp. I knew dad was not okay, but sonehow you can never actually believe your parent could do that. It just doesn't register in your brain. Your parents are suppose to protect you, be there, teach you, guide you. I've lost my father and my best friend. My teacher, my comedian, my musician, my shoulder to lean on.
I'm gripping tightly onto whatever I have left of uyou. Nothing is enough. I will never have you back. I know losing weight won't bring you back. I know rationally in my mind that's not possible, but I need this daddy.
I have nothing else.
Please forgive me daddy.

I haven't purged in a long time.
Tonight though, i have lost hope.
Hope that maybe things are getting brighter. That I can get through this.
Today I realized that I not only lost my daddy, but my mama too. She is not the same woman she was when dad was alive. She's no longer caring, giving, nuturing. Today she told me, "I love you kids, but I have to take care of me." that was with me calling in deep depression. God forbid I reach out to her for emotional support.
My restricting is getting worse/better. I lasted until 10:30 tonight without a morsel of food. Depression takes my appetite away. After I ate though I asked myself, "Why?" why bother staying "healthy"? I stopped purging when my mom and sister showed concern, but where are they now? Ive gained weight to make them happy, and now they've moved on. No longer concerned about me. Everyone was so concerned about my purging, I went to restricting all day binging at night. Binging due to my habit of knowing I could just throw it up, but I didn't. For a month.
My depression has deepened and nob

Well I managed to get back down to 109.6
I lived in my work out gear yesterday. Running, crunches, sit ups, 2 hours at the gym, more running, yoga. It felt great!
I got a sweet bread from starbucks...this is why I plan my meals, because I ordered it impulsively and now I have to figure out how to burn 420 calories tonight... That's if I eat nothing else which I will, not by my choice, I'm just more realistic these days. If I plan to eat nothing I end up eating everything.
I found out I have yet again someone trying to throw me under the bus at work. What is it about me that just seems to piss certain people off?
Whatever...I'm leaving for Costa Rica Sunday!
I have 5 days to lose 5 pounds! *sigh* I realistically decided 9 pounds was not a good goal. It's just going to make me depressed bc even with addys I never reached 100 pounds. I did reach 106! I felt that looked good! Plus if/when I eat I won't blow up to a gross 115 like I do now... I don't understand why I can so easily pack on the pounds, but have to kill myself to lose 1-2...
"Youre body has reached it's ideal weight, it makes sense it's so hard to lose." well my body thought 119 was it's ideal weight in September, but I managed to steer clear from that #...why can't 108 be my bloated weight! Lol god I'm pathetic

Insomnia strikes again

Insomnia Strikes.
It's 1am...I'm trying not to swallow. The razor blade feeling in my throat is unbearable. Purging always makes my throat hurt. It was easy tonight. Too easy. Like an alcoholic, I knew I needed help long before the entire pan of lemon poopy seed muffins and half a bag of doritos. As I was mixing the batter for the muffins I knew. I knew I didn't need to be alone tonight. I put the muffins in the oven, set the timer for 14 minutes. Checked on them 2 minutes later. Then 2 minutes after that. Frantically tapping my hand on the table, spoon ready, rapdily moving my eyes. From the TV to the oven. TV...oven...TV...oven. The timer went off and I jolted for the oven mitt, spoon in one hand. I ate the entire batch in less than 20 minutes. It has to be less than 20, because I'll absorb it after that. I purged. Undressed weighed myself. 111.8 Fuck! Purged...weighed myself. 111.4 Damnit!! Purged...weighed myself. 111.2 Fine. That's what I was when I started. The phone rang, it was my mom. "Are you okay? You sound tired." I lied. What was I supposed to say, "Well I just got done throwing up." talked to her for over an hour. Grabbed the doritos on my way to bed. Ate...purged...undressed...weighed myself. 110.4 Awesome!
I miss my adderrals. I wish I knew where else to buy them. My source is a cock sucking whore, so I can't buy from her anymore. Losing weight is harder now than ever. I'd be happy just to see 108 again. Costa Rica is in 2 weeks, and I'm not even close to my goal weight.
It's so ungodly frustrating.
I need a dentist though. The negatives to purging are starting to show. My back teeth ache all the time. I restricted all day today and only lost 1 pound. Let tomorrow be a miracle! Dear God let me wake up and weigh 109. I promise to go to the gym. I'll burn 1,000 calories if I have to. I just want to weigh less when I wake up!
...
That's if I can go to sleep.

The rain makes me so depressed.
I stare numbly at the windsheild. Eyes slowly moving to the clock. Waiting to go back to work.
My brain needs serious work. I'm battling my demon right now. I ate a bagel with cream cheese. It was good, but now I'm so nauseated. With my knees up, feet on the seat, I wait. God please...I don't want to purge. That 1 bagel with cream cheese was 545 calories! I also had 1/2 protein bar at 65 calories, and 1/2 an applesauce at 25 calories. Now I'm drinking a latte which is 100 calories...That's 735 calories!! At the gym I only burned 200 on the eliptical and stationary bike before weight lifting.
I'm never going to reach my goal weight...
I'm at 110. My body fat is at 14%.
whoop-Dee-fucking-doo...
I don't really like how my body looks when I'm lifting weights. I'm very defined. It looks ugly, but I don't look like that unless I'm lifting weights. I have to tone up. My brain went into defense mode. "You actually LOST weight when you weren't eating. You looked better at 106."
I have a thousand thoughts racing in my head.
I want to lose weight. Costa Rica is literally 6 weeks away!! I have 6 fucking weeks to lose 10 pounds?! How can I do that?? I'm desperate on one side. The other side, the motherly side, says I don't need to. I'm doing this the right way. I'm just not happy...
I know it's a far fetched goal...but it's a goal I made for myself. So I have to reach it.

Thank you Jeff, the man I met today at work, in in no way do you realize how much our conversation inspired me!

It has been scientifically proven that it takes you 21 times of doing something before it becomes 2nd nature. Before the new information to be programmed into your brain's hard drive. Proving that people CAN change!

This excites me in so many ways. It means we are destined to succeed if we apply ourselves! Michael Jordan did not make his high school basket ball team. Look at him now? Why? If it was raw talent he would have been able to slam dunk a ball in highschool. He practiced. He reprogrammed the new idea, the information, from the front part of his brain. (The part that panicks and doesn't hold information for long periods of time.) To his hard drive until it became second nature.

I've been saying this for years, that people are still genetically made to think like cave men. Men are drawn to women who are esthetically built to bear more children. (bigger boobs/butt) women are drawn to men who have answers, problem solvers, leaders. The example given to me was a family of cave men are about to be attacked by a saber toothed tiger. The mother instantly grabs up the children. There is a chemical compound in a our bodies that naturally make this happen, forgive me but I can't recall the name. Men have this too, in this situation the father fights off the tiger. Some people lack in this chemical causing, for instance, the mother to instead throw herself on top of her children, killing them all.

So now let's put this into a real time situation. A woman is mad at her husband for not knowing how to fix a problem in their relationship. Men work off details. (How am I to kill this tiger) women work off results(you killing the tiger saves our family.) The husband/boyfriend can change. He must be reprogrammed.
So how does someone help someone reprogram themselves?

People when learning new ideas, or ways, process this information in the front part of their brain. (As mentioned.) people naturally have a panick process as well, where we throw our hands up and say, "I can't do this! I quit!" they shut down. Their central nervous system goes into trauma. People need confidence to believe they can change. Nobody works well, or learns, based on deligation. "You must do this or were breaking up!" instead to build the confidence you would say, "Well what do you think about this?" assisting them into finding the "way" on their own. We all know of these ah-ha moments where things sort of click. 21 tries later (lol) it becomes second nature.

Once you understand why someone reacts in the way they do, it can assist you through communication to find results!
You can't get angry at someone for not "getting/understanding" because you told them a thousand times not to/or to do something. You must take a step back and ask yourself, "Have I traumatized this person with needing results/or too many details causing them to panick. Causing them to shut down?" Try again. This time with a different approach. A gentle, healing, approach. Through building confidence in your partner. Confident people are more determined to change. It's common sense.

Situation #2 little Susie dreams of being a gymnist. She does great a home, but when given the opportunity to try out for a team, she panicks. Flys off the handle. The idea is too traumatizing. She lacks the confidence. So dad in turns comes in a different angle with, "Susie you're an amazing gymnist! You'd be so amazing on the X team."
building her confidence and over time creating a sense of comfort with the new idea, allowing the information, or idea, to trasnfer from the front part of her brain to the hard drive(the back). Susie has her ah-ha moment.

So in my particular situation (The ED) this gives me hope! That I CAN change. That I will not be stuck in this disease forever. It is not a life sentence. I need to be patient with myself and these new ideas of change. To coax my central nervous system to not panick, by regaining my confidence!