Forgive me

I haven't purged in a long time.
Tonight though, i have lost hope.
Hope that maybe things are getting brighter. That I can get through this.
Today I realized that I not only lost my daddy, but my mama too. She is not the same woman she was when dad was alive. She's no longer caring, giving, nuturing. Today she told me, "I love you kids, but I have to take care of me." that was with me calling in deep depression. God forbid I reach out to her for emotional support.
My restricting is getting worse/better. I lasted until 10:30 tonight without a morsel of food. Depression takes my appetite away. After I ate though I asked myself, "Why?" why bother staying "healthy"? I stopped purging when my mom and sister showed concern, but where are they now? Ive gained weight to make them happy, and now they've moved on. No longer concerned about me. Everyone was so concerned about my purging, I went to restricting all day binging at night. Binging due to my habit of knowing I could just throw it up, but I didn't. For a month.
My depression has deepened and nobody has noticed because, "She's not purging anymore." I lost concern from my family, emotional support. Why doesn't anyone understand that an ED doesn't just disappear once you stop restricting or purging?! Emotional support is even more critical during recovery!
My dad's death has brought on so much pain. My family is ripped apart. I'm lost, numb, paralyzed in my soul.
The flash backs are the worse. PRSD is very common apparently with children who lose their parents to suicide. I feel like I'm going insane.
Daddy I don't understand. Why did you do this? How could you have not known what this would do to us?! You always thought mom and I were the strong ones. Look at us now. It's scarey how quickly the life you cherished is ripped from your grasp. I knew dad was not okay, but sonehow you can never actually believe your parent could do that. It just doesn't register in your brain. Your parents are suppose to protect you, be there, teach you, guide you. I've lost my father and my best friend. My teacher, my comedian, my musician, my shoulder to lean on.
I'm gripping tightly onto whatever I have left of uyou. Nothing is enough. I will never have you back. I know losing weight won't bring you back. I know rationally in my mind that's not possible, but I need this daddy.
I have nothing else.
Please forgive me daddy.