Zombie cravings

Shivering bones. Icy fingers grip at this tool to will the words to come. The caved verbage in my mind might release some warmth. Sticky heat to make moving these fingers less painful. Underneath my tongue lies the answers I've been searching for blindly. Masked and illuded to the source of reason. Maybe if I pinch down hard enough with my teeth I can pull blood. I'm waiting patiently for my mouth to move. For my brain to catch up.

""Eating amnesia" is the act of unknowingly putting hand to mouth"
Yesterday I drank over 1000 calories in milk alone. I hate milk. I couldn't curve the appetite though. I wanted milk! Eggnog, almond milk, milk in stew. I didn't care how I got it, so I drank everything we had in the fridge that contained it. I'm at 63% water weight this morning. I'm trying to justify the 113 on this scale this morning. I usually do have milk in my lattes from starbucks, that's usual. What was not the usual was me chugging eggnog down last night like I was living in the sahara! Ugh... I feel gross.
It's strange what your mind makes you feel like you look like. If that makes since. I feel like as I'm bending my head down to write this that I have like 4 chins. I feel that my stomach is rolling over my pants. That my thighs are bulging out of the seams. I FEEL disgusting! I'm planning my next laxi night. Unfortunately with my work schedule I'll have to wait until next week.
I can't live like this. I missed my psychiatrist appointment today. Originally I made this bc I wanted my own prescription for addys. Then I thought, ya know, maybe I do need help. Maybe I need actual medicine to pull me out of depression.
It's weird now numb I can be. My mom last night was all emotional about how worried she is about me. How she misses me. The tears were falling, but I felt numb. Like I was crying bc I wanted to ache. I was allowing the tears to fall bc I thought maybe I'll finally just cry it out! No. I went into a zombie like state. Defense meconism I suppose.