I've purged the past two days. My mom asked me yesterday if I had done it, and I truthfully said, "No, I sure haven't!" Then I started thinking, why not? Last night my buddy and me chowed down on pizza and chocolate cake. Later him and Travis went outside and I took advantage of this. Today same deal. Left over pizza and chocolate cake. House all to myself, why not?
I'll tell you why not! Maybe this is party of the whole distorted self image thing that goes with this "ed". After I purged I went to weigh myself, and I sucessfully managed to get of all of it. Staying strong at 112.2 I'm excited about the number. What I'm not excited about is a flushed face. Bags under my eyes. Cheeks puffy, and my stomach is pooches out. What causes this with purging? I like the way my body looks with just not eating at all. THAT is why I stopped purging. I wasn't losing as much as I wanted to with just skipping meals all together. I like that I can tell my breasts are smaller, my stomach sunken in, defining the outline of my muscles and bones. Purging keeps the number, but not the tone look. Maybe it's just me.
I notice I only WANT to eat after a long early start to the day at work. Example, yesterday 7a-6p. Today, 4a-3p... I'm exhausted but also running low on the good ol' Mr. Aderal! I've had to up my dosage with this schedule of mine.
So far I've lost 14 pounds since June! Technically at an unhealthy BMI but what's .4 measley points. I won't consider myself "unhealthy" until I'm at a BMI of say 16ish.
So needless to say I need some soul searching material again. I have a pretty stone cold hand gripping me keeping me from going up. (Up in pounds that is)
No comments:
Post a Comment