A new found Glory

Pleasure in losing? (part 2)

today I woke up in a complete depression. Travis and phillip has gone to do sone work, and I was alone. My anxiety kicked in about everything. Stresses at work, eating, everything! I decided I need to get out of the house. I went to starbucks. I don't usually go to starbucks on my days off. This is a treat I give myself on work days. I got my coffee and that's when I wrote "Pleasure in losing?"
There were 3 beautiful girls sitting at the table outside behind me. I couldn't stop glancing over them. Listening to their conversations. Listening to them greet every person that walked by. They intrigued me. One of the girls was talking about a tanning salon near by she wanted to go to near by. I told myself I couldn't allow this girl to go to this particular tanning salon. They're extremely over priced and rude. So I chimed in that I thought they should go to another one. I gave them directions and they thanked me. They asked if I was a musician or and artist. I smiled and said no that I was just a writer. They asked what I wrote. I told them everything. From music, poems, stories. They asked me my name. Then one of the girls asked if I needed someone to pray for me. I laughed and sarcastically responded, "Sure, actually...yeah. Doesn't everyone?" she asked if it was okay to sit next to me, and put her hand on my arm. The other girls followed and we all sat around the table. She began to pray for me.
The entire side of my body where she was touching me began to tingle. All the hairs on my arm, that side of my head, my legs stood up.
She prayed that God give me the knowledge to see how beautiful I was. That He created me like a diamond, without flaws. That I was perfect in His eyes. That no matter what I've done that He would always love me. The all began to pray. One by one. Each touching on a very sore wound that has yet to be mended to with a healing touch. They spoke about things there was no possible way they would have known. They spoke of my gifts. My got given talents that were unique that I have forgotten. That I have pushed aside, because of critisism in my past. They prayed about how God wanted me to talk to Him first if I had a problem. That my relationships were being effected all around me because of this. There was too much said to write it all down. Things so personal, and held so much personal meaning for me to ever write all down.
I cried. Even with people all around. I didn't care. I felt like I was being washed clean. Wiped gently of all my lies, my stress, my secrets.
At that moment I truly handed my life into God's hands.
Even after they were done praying we all sat there and talked. I reaffirmed everything they had said with stories about my life. I became an open book. I told them everything. EVERYTHING.
....
And I felt for the first time in years that I was free. These burdens, obligations, anxieties, were given to God.
Everything they said made since, like God was speaking through them to me. They would look at me as if listening to something inside me and would say, "...and God wants you to know that when you have a bad day, He wants you to talk to Him first. Not your husband, or so and so at work. Because they can be a good support for you, but they can't fix it. Only He can, He's going to be able to give you the answers." And I would go, "Oh my God... I was just writing about how I had ruined all my relationships (1.partly bc of my ED. 2.) I've lost trust in people by being such a gossiper. I'd vent to this person about that person. Then turn right around and vent to that person about this person. Eventually you lose trust that way.
We talked about my relationship with travis. Then they stopped and one of them said, "Im getting the feeling that the reason you're marriage isn't going the way you want it is because of a burden you're carrying that you think he should fix. God wants you to know that only He can fix you." My jaw dropped and I said, "Okay, well..I'm just going to say it...i've been suffering from an eating disorder. " I had a revalation that this whole time I've expected Travis to FIX it. I became angry and distant with him because he wasn't. I resented him for it, and it was ruining our marriage.
We talked about my brother...
There's too muchbwrite. I've spent all day off and on trying to post.
And now I'm ready to move on. Forward. Towards a new path. This one's dark, damp and lonely.