Wednesday morning

I'm so exhausted. Work has been absolutely physically demanding along with emotional. I wish I had the courage to just find another job, but my conscious and my pride keeps me there. I'm constantly trying to prove myself. Prove that I can do this. I have serious control issues. Control over my emotions. Emotions to quit. I challenge myself to keep going. Keep working. Keep losing weight. I've turned my life into one huge game of Risk. Except the risks I make I've convinced myself... Is all WORTH it in the end. If I can just get promoted. If I can just lose 5-10 more pounds, maybe just maybe I'll feel like a void has been filled.
Being a Gemini makes me never satisfied.
I talked to my husband's aunt yesterday about this Feeling. She told me i'll grow out of it. That with time, I'll learn to be content.
I can't imagine my life being content. I can't imagine a life where I don't strive, obsess rather, on accomplishing something.
I listen to my uncle talk about my aunt and how she's list all this weight. How did she do it, I asked. "She just doesn't eat..." I have created a monster. In June when I saw her last she asked me how I have lost so much weight. I saarcastically responded chipperly mind you, "Well, I don't eat Aunt Rita! *laughs maniacally*" I'm not saying I encouraged, or was even the reason she has started a "diet" of her own. It hurts me to think that there are others who suffer with these thoughts. This lack of content, with living in their own skin. It also makes me think, my God she's almost 55. At 55, I don't want to be this way. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to accept myself, and some days I do. Some days I can eat normally and laugh. Truly laugh. Truly smile while stuffing my face with filth. Then the dawn cones. The scale screams. Or was that me?