These early mornings give me too much time to think. I can't shake these thoughts, even while bombarded with things at work. I need some answers. I must not be praying hard enough. Coffee, aderals, 113 this AM. These things are what makes me happy. Trying to find a healthy way to find happiness is challenging. I think I need sleep...
I toss and turn. My nights are so restless. My days seem to be passing me in a haze. I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. Sleep for hours. I have no motivation today. Nine to work, but I'll do that anyway. None to pray, I need that the most. This hand that holds mine, even though I know it's a Boney one. One that's been eaten away by callouses and dehydration. It's one that i've found soliitude in. It was the only thing that kept me going when taking my life seemed all so...easy. It's my security blanket. My whispering lies, that I loved to believe. That somewhere inside of me I still do. It's so hard to change. Even when you know that not changing will destroy you.
I just don't want to give this up.
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