ED's are an addiction

This is a disease. An addiction. I'm finally realizing that I have no control.
Yesterday I worked 15 hours straight with only a 20 minute coffee/smoke break.
I came home and Travis wanted to figure out what to eat. Maybe it was to fatigue, but nothing sounded good. I knew I needed to eat, and usually a shift like that I'd be ready to binge until I couldn't move. I truly just wasn't hungry. I ate anyway, but a small serving. I tried to go back for seconds. Even filled up my bowel to the brim. I couldn't eat it.
Purging just couldn't be an option I suppose. So I just didn't eat as much as I needed to unconsciously for this reason.
Travis and I had a long talk yesterday. He admitted his distance on this "topic" was because when he doesn't understand something he ignores it. He actually told me that in his mind he thought if he didn't acknowledge it, it would go away on it's own.
It hit me. Travis didn't understand the severity. The fact that an eating disorder is an addiction. A disease! An illness. So I broke it down for him. Not being condescending but I asked him, "Honey, why do you think Phillip became addicted to crack?" He responded, "He felt that he needed to alter his reality." "But why? Why did he feel the need to alter his reality?" I asked. "There was something he just couldn't deal with, and drugs helped him not have to live in the reality." He said. "There ya go!!"
Phillip is definitely a worse case scenario, he's been through a HELL of a lot worse than me. Than anyone I've ever met. Let me ask you, why does someone who for instance was raped eventually turn to drugs? Again worse case scenario? Because that person had lost control over something, they couldn't understand, and living in a reality, with something you truly have no control over is too much to bare.
Control.
Some people are content with things they can't control. My husband for example just sort of goes numb, and has a roll with the punches mentality. My husband also explodes over things like there's finger prints on this windsheild, or ashes on this porch because of this. He CAN control THAT, he can't control that his wife has an ED.
Me on the other hand, has lived an entire life trying to control everyone around me. Not by being controlling, but making it my life's mission to make them happy. To do that meant I had to understand them. I'd lie in bed sobbing when I was a young girl because I just couldn't understand why my parents wouldn't stop fighting, why dad was a pot head, my brother a drug addict. So instead I became "cheer-leader Mandy" of the house. Always the happy one to try and make others happy. It would kill me after years of doing so, things just didn't seem to get better for these people. Dad tried to commit suicide. My brother almost died due to his addictions too many times to count. My eldest brother, also an addict with crack, died. Now THAT is by far the WORSE thing that can happen to a person like me. You can't control something or someone that's dead. That killed me inside. It was then I believe I turned to control myself. Well I can't control this and that, but I can control this razor to my skin(this was a long time ago, but the beginning of my ED). Now nothing has changed, but the "substance" if you will has changed. I still have major control issues. Instead of living with the reality that, okay Mandy you can't control if you brother stays clean. Or your parents stay out of debt, work, your husband, your friends...what have you. I have altered my reality to believe that if I can just control "THIS" then I'll be okay. Somehow everything else won't matter, or will make sense, because if nothing else, YOU have CONTROL over something. Just as crack has been my brother's substance of choice for him to control or have to deal with his own realities, anorexia has become mine. Numbers, weight, calories, bmi's, body fat, bones, overall body image is my scapegoat.
Travis and I talked all about this last night. His answer was for me was to pick something else to control. Something important. So his answer was for me to be in control of our finances. We'll have to get a computer. The reason he does our finances is because he sits in front of a computer all day. Maybe that WILL help I don't know. It's worth a try. It's going to be awhile before we can afford a computer and Internet.
It was nice to help him understand. What was scarey was the realization that if HE doesn't understand and he's living with someone with ED. How many other people think if they just ignore it it'll go away? So I've now made it a new life's mission to help people understand. The same way people who are alcoholics or crack heads, whatever their substance is, need support. So do we. We need help. I need help.