6:03am
112 today
109 yesterday! I almost cried yesterday when I saw that new weight on the scale. Then came the baby shower. I tried to give out as much food as possible, bc I knew what would happen. The fatigue, the stress, I caved... I ate all the left overs. 3 pounds of shit apparently.
But it's a new number. A number I reached, and will reach again.
Something to strive for. A new number to fill me with hope.
I sound crazy right now I know. I'll forever be competeting with the scale. It seems it always wins. Like a 5k run, where I'm always 2nd in the running.
My fingers are chilled. My bones ache.
My grandmother commented yesterday how I look too skinny. She asked how many meals I ate a day. I said, "Six small, or three big ones." lying through my teeth.
It was a weird mix of emotions. I was happy that I'm finally at a weight that my grandmother doesn't comment about how muchbof a pig I am. She has forever made comments about how, "Oh we have left overs, oh don't worry Mandy will eat it all!" That shit just motivated me more, but I finally did it! Instead of those comments, I got the whispers behind my back. "Has she lost more weight since the last time I saw her?" Or, "She keeps losing, and I keep gaining!" I can't lie, it felt good. At the same time though I got angry. Like, "Im not THAT skinny!!" I soon stopped saying that after I got the bug eyed worried looks followed with, "Uh...yeah, you are!!!"
Whatever. Oh and my mom gave me vitamins, when I asked her why, my sister said, "Because you're malnurished!" malnurished? Really people??
I really need to get to starbucks and post pictures on here. Let you all be the judge.