The unveiling

The humidity sticks to my fingers like glue residue.
The night is anew,
and I feel the winds of change.
Brisk and shallow,
I am taken a back.
Constantly searching for something I lack.
The moon keeps me guessing,
I walk this world as if trespassing.
Before you walk, let me explain.
For I am not in pain.
I'm a stranger to these translucent walls.
This paradox to the situation.
There's a voice that comes when called,
and I gawk at the translation.
Inside my soul,
I can hear her sing.
Fluid with precision.
It takes it's toll,
with a melody to sting,
but the stanza unveils an incension.
A secret I've sworn to keep.
Lies naked at my feet.
Shattered mirror on the ground,
turning my face upside down.
A face cracked.
(Oh! The lines they form!)
A hoax to the imagination.
Eyes jet black.
(Full of scorn.)
No longer used as a stantion.
Fallen. My knees.
Buckling. My heart.
Tearing at the seams.
I stare at this face.
One I've molded and traced.
That no longer hides,
what I've kept deep inside.
Unmasked. Unveiled.
A masquerade prevailed.
I find myself torn between,
wether to cry or be keen
to this revealing.
I laugh obscenely.
(A victory found.)

Tonight's the night!! I'm taking my gym clothes to work and heading straight there afterwards! Travis has a business dinner to attend so I can A. Sit at home and sulk alone and risk the temptation to B&P or B. Work out! I've been slacking. I've managed to lose Most of my t-day weight gain. Weighed in at 112 this AM.I need to be 110 by 12-11. That's my sister's baby shower. Where I'll be serving a maple glazed pork loin, sweet potato casserole, pine nut and cranberry asparagus, peanut butter balls, home made hot chocolate, and home made apple cidar. So as you can see LOTS of calories and fats.
Travis said he's glad I'm going to the gym. "Not that u need it, but we do pay for it."
*time lapse*
so I'm closing tonight. I guess I won't make it to the gym. Not meant to be?
Tomorrow I'm going to a yoga class after work with my friend Erin! I haven't done yoga since before my wedding. I miss the nirvana I felt after a class.
Calories consumed today: starbucks drink
perfect oatmeal from starbucks:140
not bad...
I'm surprisingly having a good day at work today considering I'll be work a 11 hour day!
I had some really good 2 days off. I'm ready to get stressed out at work. Lol!

Enough!!

No food!!!
I'm not eating today!
Period!
No ands Ifs of Buts!!!
Fuck this!!
I'm so pissed I hate the holidays...
Thanksgiving killed me.
My weight is at an all time high. Two days ruined everything!

Addy side effects

So I haven't taken any adderrals in 2 days. I'm feeling pretty good. I thought I wouldve ballooned up by now. Steady at 112. So I gained 2 pounds from 11-9 and have yet to work it off. :( I ate a turkey English muffin from starbucks just now. I'm itching to buy a pastry. That would be bad I'm trying to remind myself that tomorrow will be enough temptation without a pastry fuckin everything up. *sigh* I notice I eat when I'm stressed and today has definitely been a stressful day. My DM mediated a convo between me and my GM today. She cried. I cried. I thought about quitting. I thought of slitting my wrist and bleed to death on the bathroom floor.
So um side note I read a side effect of coming off adderral is suicidle thoughts, and I cried about that too. At one point I was sobbing bc I don't have any. Well I do but I don't wanna take it. Saving it? Yeah maybe...
So I snapped out of my mood and here I am. Eyeing the pastry window like a bitch in heat. Sour cream doughnuts. Peppermint brownies! Pumpkin loaf bread! Uughh!! I can't take it!!

Quick update

So today I refused to weigh myself, and I'm restricting to only liquids for two days. Hopefully that'll balance out the two days I ate like a lion. Travis and I went to Asheville Saturday and instead of buying trinkets we ate. And ate. And ate somemore. I'm over food, even though I am proud of myself for not purging. I was not happy to see a pouched out tummy this AM. I'm not going to get anymore addys until 11-28!! Ugh!! My energy level is at 0! I wonder if my iron is low. I can't pinpoint any other reason. I've been eating! The past 2 days I must have consumed like 10,000 calories. Seriously...
My mind has been completely blank. Thoughts escape me. I'm in robot Mandy mode. I had a girl at work comment on my lack of bubbliness. Do I HAVE to be bubbly all the time?!?! Jeeeez!! I don't feel like smiling. I don't feel like laughing. I don't want to be fake anymore. I'm so over that...
I have wrote 4 chapters in book #1 and got some great material lined up for book #2!
I bought the baby shower invites for my sisters baby shower that I'm hosting. I love being a hostess!! It seems like I'm conserving my energy for that. My scene. I'm an actress. I live for the part. Recently at work and at home I can't play that role. Bubbly energetic Mandy. The happy manager/sister/friend/wife.
I need to go back to the gym. Regularly that is. Find a new way to get energy other than with a pill. I'm out of shape. I can tell in my thighs. Buldgy fat blobs that clunk together if I knock my knees together. Gross...
Pictures coming soon! I'm a little nervous to post pics. I really need the feed back though. Honest critisism. I'm counting on u mystery readers!

BPD at it's finest

In another funk. Can I not just be okay? Why does it seem the universe wants me unhappy? I keep having nightmares. Where they're so bad I wake up in a panic. Last night I woke up and had IBS the dreams were so bad.
I woke up instantly depressed. Suicidle. I thought about letiing the car run with me in it in the garage. I have the I don't even care anymore attitude. I don't care to go to work. I don't care to get out of bed. I just have no energy to do anything.
The light outside bothers my eyes. The smoke that breaks off a long draw off a cigarette burns and causes my eyes to water. I need the ncotine. The one habit I have now that I can control.
I ate dinner last night. Cheeseburger and French fries. I went to the gas station and got one of those Xmas tree cakes and a Crunch bar. I wasn't hungry, but I ate it. I even tried waiting a hour before I actually ate it. Thinking the craving would pass. It's the same every time I eat. I go numb and eat everything in sight. The next day I'm in tormoil. Completely distraught that I did such a disgusting thing. A salad wasn't an option. I didn't even read the description of the options of salads. I saw burger I ordsered burger. Maybe my body needed protein. Maybe my body needed sugar. I still feel like a failure. Last night I told Travis that I was on an extremely light day of my period, as I wrapped my leg over his when we laid down to bed. I pressed my body hard up against him. He goes, "So it's not done?" I said, "Well pretty much, I'm not bleeding." He asked me about my day. I moved away from him. We went to sleep. This morning I asked him if it was because I ate like a pig. He said no. Why can I not accept that? Why can I not just say. Okay he just wasn't in the mood. Instead I punish myself to filling up 2 cups of dry cereal and tell myself I better make that last all day. I punish myself by allowing myself only 1 coffee drink, my only other liquid calories will be a vitamin water. 0 cal vitamin water. I'm irrespnsible. I fat lazy cow. Who's only happy when um stuffing face. I purged twice yesterday. That's probably the only reason I gained just. Pound after my fat fest yesterday.
I thought in the morning, how fun I'll make bran muffins and have a snack for six days. I ate them all. As I'm lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor I thought. "Why?" why did I do that? No more food. Then came chocolate covered almonds. Then dinner...
I can't stop! It's so much easier for me to just not eat. I can't have breakfast. I can't have a snack. My mind goes into self prssrvation mode, and I eat all the calories I restricted for X amount of days in one sitting. This morning I got an email from my gym. I get these motivational emails on a day to day basis. I usually delete them, but this one was apparently written for me :
Mandy,
It seems as if the Thanksgiving to New Year's holiday season is one long, tempting food fest designed to make us gain weight. It is possible to keep the holiday food fests from ruining your fitness plans. The key is to workout several times each week and follow some of these helpful tips.
 
Healthy Lifestyle Tip: Preventing holiday weight gain
It's commonly thought that the typical holiday weight gain is around 5 pounds (2.3 kilograms). In reality, it's probably less. The catch, though, is that even a small holiday weight gain is seldom lost – adding to the cumulative weight gain that happens over time. Here are a few tips to help you enjoy the upcoming season and avoid holiday weight gain:
 
Take it a Day at a Time. Strive to balance out your calories over the day or at least over a couple of days. If you'll be consuming extra calories at a social event in the evening, make adjustments earlier in the day. Focus on fruits and veggies along with some lean protein and high-fiber grains to keep your appetite in check.
 
Spurn the Party Snacks. Don't waste your calories mindlessly by munching salty or sugary snack foods. Save your calories for the big event – dinner and dessert.
 
Be Selective. Buffets don't have to be all you can eat. Survey the offerings. What looks too good to pass up? What can you live without? Focus on what you'll enjoy, not how much you can squeeze on your plate.
 
Decorate Your Plate. Fill half to three-quarters of your plate with colorful raw veggies, fruits or items that have these as their main ingredient. You know creamy sauces and cheesy toppings are going to add calories, so take smaller portions. Fill the rest of your plate with lean meat or seafood choices.
 
Mind Your Manners and Portions. At sit-down affairs, graciously sample all foods for your own experience and to please your host. However, you don't have to clean your plate to demonstrate your appreciation.
 
Practice Discretion. Identify the added calorie culprits, such as cheese or cream sauces and fillings, and discretely move some or all to the side of your plate. You'll still get the flavor just not all the unnecessary calories and fat.
 
Plan for Indulgence. If you want to indulge in a homemade holiday treat or luscious dessert, ask yourself what you're willing to give up in exchange. Will it be something at lunch or dinner, or your afternoon snack? Or, are willing to put in the extra time at the gym?
Source: MayoClinic.com
 
Over the next few weeks notice what is in your hand, on your plate and what you are about to eat. Resolve to not feel tired and sluggish. Always look for opportunities to move! Keep in mind that celebrations are really about family and friends.
 
Here here!
Off to work. Where I'll be blamed for everything going wrong. Made to feel like a worthless piece if garbage before heading home to feel like the ugliest woman on the face of the planet. Who's husband won't make love to her because she's a worthless piece of garbage.
Happy Thursday everyone...

Thank you Starbucks

I"m sitting at Starbucks with my new lap top.
This is freaging awesome! I have internet! I haven't had internet, in like a year! So pictures are coming soon! If not within the hour! I actually might be able to finally put a profile picture up! Maybe if people see that I'm a real person, they'll start leaving comments! *clears throat* No pressure of anything...
I almost forgot for a split second that I miss Starbucks. I miss working here. The whole idea behind Starbucks, just makes my heart happy. I was the happiest when I worked here. Before I started at my "real jobs." Jobs where Corporate became a bad word. A word you used to describe how things just aren't fair, and there's nothing you can do about it.
For instance, today "Corporate" made us cut 50 odd hours off this week's schedule. So we're running on literally 0 staff. When customer's would start yelling about how there was no one to assist them on the sales floor, all you can do is shrug and blame it on "Corporate." At least that's all I could've done, instead I pulled out like 40 gift with purchase bags and started handing them out. I love selling. I love customer service. I don't love having to jeopardize all those things because some man sitting in his oval office says we need to cut payroll...
I made a career out of management, and I love the process. I love being a manager, these days though, when I'm driving to work, I just want to cry. Cry because I know that even though I plan on doing A, B, and C I won't. I won't because I'll come in to a list pilled up to the ceiling of things that should have been done the day before, that I now have to do.
Everyone's advice? "Just don't!" I can't! I can't just leave work without getting everything done. It kills me. Today I worked 2 hours off the clock, just to get 1 thing done. Yeah, it's my only night off, and I should have been here at Starbucks writing this blog like an hour ago...
Anywho...
Today's weigh in 111.8
Body Fat 14%
I'm a little happier with that number. I sure do miss 110, but considering everything else going on, being 111.8 is the least of my worries. At least for tonight. Tonight I start my book. I have several in mind actually. 1 being on addiction, and 2 being on my spiritual encounters. I may just start writing both at the same time. I miss writing. So may as well dive in head first. Overwhelm myself with unfinished memoirs, rather than unshed pounds.
God wants me to write. Those girls I met here once told me so. *laughs* Not just that, writing gives me a sense of relief. A way to reflect. A way to cope. Most importantly, a way to heal.
Cheers good friends. Hope all is well in your lives. Tonight my focuses are lying with in these fingertips. My only worries are how fast I can type what words are formulating in my mind. Wish me luck.

Coming to

I came home from work today and Travis a picnic set up in front of the fire place! Candles kit. Sushi set up on our Japanese china set! Jack Johnson playing in the background. He left work sick as a dog, but did all that for me. After dinner we cleaned up, and he hugged me and said, "Never forget how special you are!"
I'm an idiot sometimes. I really am. That man loves. As much as maybe he shouldn't sometimes. He's the first to take me for everything I am. Good bad and the ugly! Unconditional. It's scares me sometimes. Especially in one of my episodes. I think hrs going to leave me like all the rest.
But he's still here...

If you love something. Let it go.

I'm usually pretty good at not letting my depression effect my relationships with people. Strangers are feeling the grunt of my unhappiness. I drove to work today and fantasised about whipping car onto the median into oncoming traffic. I'm finding it hard to find reasons to be here at all. Nobody wants me. At work it's very clear that I'm expendible to them. At home I feel unworthy of everything. My husband has no sex drive. How can I NOT think it's me. I hear the whole it's not you it's me bullshit. That's crap! I know if I was pretty and skinny he'd want me. He'd make an effort. I made the mistake of weighing myself after eating and 2 cups of coffee. I'm fat and disgusting. No wonder my husband has "no sex drive." I bet if he was with someone else he wouldn't have a problem. His problem is me. His wife is a fucking failure. I fail at maintaining goals. I'm a flake. A useless waste of space. What's the point? What's the point of trying to find "the light?" darkness is my heart, my soul. I feel a tightening in my chest...a stronger will than anything I can control to just stop. Stop moving. Stop breathing. I don't want to live. It's disgusting that I even feel this way. I'm a disgrace. I thought about taking all my addys to go into cardiac arrest. I thought about causing wrecks to hopefully die in a car accident. What if I didn't die? What if I lived through my attempts of suicide. *laughs* I wouldn't even succeed at THAT! That would ruin me. If I actually lived. That fear of not acheiving that ironically keeps me from doing it. Not my family or friends, the fear that ONCE again Mandy would fail. That's what keeps me from "pulling the trigger" it's a sick mind I'm working with here. Travis told me he's going to give me a reason to live...
I can't do this to him. I can't bring him down with me.
He should leave me. Who wants a depressed fat wife?
He's got his good credit, his cat, his friends, his car...he'd be okay.
When you love someone, truly love them, you want the best. Even if the best is not what you can give them. I can't get past this, and I love him enough to help him move on. I helped build his credit. I built his confidence, now he can use that to be secure with someone else.

Incessant ramblings.

I feel like such an asshole. I really need to be careful about what I say to people. We had an all store meeting today. We broke off into groups and one of the girls I work with, her body language really offended me. I felt disrespected, bc her body language to me was screaming, "I don't care about anything you're saying." so we were talking about how to read body language from a guest and how to begin to schmooze over the guest if you pick up on that. So I said, "Yeah if you see a guest looking like _ say something!" probably not the best way to handle that situation. I guess my on going problem is that I expect too much from people. I expect her to be attentive, bc I like herso much. Instead I was unprofessional and she got pissed and stormed out after the meeting. Not before, of coarse, telling another manager what I'd done, who then told ourGM. So now I'm an even a bigger ass. Go Mandy...
I just left. I emotionally couldn't sit there in the office. I went in to tell my GM what happened, and have that other manager say, "Oh I already told her!" can I not tell our GM anything on my own? THIS is why I can't trust anyone there. God forbid everyone can't let ME handle my own business. They gain something by being the first to tell her. So I now look unprofessional and like I can't handle my own. I really hate that place!
On a bright note, because it was an all store meeting people had food. Bagels, etc. I ate nothing! Not a bite. Just kept filling up my coffee cup! Mandy 1:Food 0!
Today I was very unhappy to see the 112 on the scale. Last night I ended up eating about 2 cups of Chinese rice, 1 chicken wing, and 1/2 cup non fat yogurt. I feel so fat still, even though the 00's I bought for work are now lose. How can they be when I'm back up to 112? Okay okay 1 freaging pound or 1.8 doesn't make that mch of a difference. It's just the point. I need that #! it's all I have right now. I have nothing else to look forward to on a day to day basis. I need that # to remind me that I am propelling further in my goals. As a whole. Moving up at work(no). Moving up creatively(no)...it temporarily gives me that sense of satisfaction.
Without it, I feel like a failure. My self esteem is at 0...
Travis wanted me to go to a bar with him and our friend today for some beer event, but I don't want to go. I just want to take a nap. Sleep until it's time to work again at 5pm.
I don't feel like being social. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can't seem to do that these days. REALLY cry. To just LET it all OUT!
It's funny how the things I need most i avoid.
I feel inadequette at work, and tapers off into my life outside of work. I feel distant. Zombified on the inside. Like outside I'm bubbly energetic and happy, but inside it's like I'm talking but it's not my voice. My brain doesn't connect with what I'm saying or doing. Is that depression? Sometimes I feel it borders on schkietzophrinia. I feel crazy...
Today's calorie intake plan: coffee and eat nothing, bc our friends want us over tonight for a cookout. GOD I don't wanna go for the simple reason that I will eat. I can't fake a tummy ache or any other illness, bc as soon as the food's in front of me I'll break. It'll take all my will power just to STOP eating. I have to scream at myself silently, okay Mandy that's enough!! Last night the only reason I didn't eat my weight in chicken wings is bc I told myself I wanted yogurt. So I spent like 3 minutes making it perfect. I used a really cute martini glass to put it in so 1/2 cup looked like a lot. I picked out the smallest spoon we had. I strategically poured slivers of honey in a precise design where I'd be able to taste it with each bite, but not going over a tablespoon. I would stick the spoon in the mix and pull it out eating whatever stuck to the spoon, rather than taking full bites. Afterwards I felt accmplished AND satisfied! I think I'll start breaking up my granola bar I usually eat for lunch into pieces and put in a zip lock bag. So I can't be tempted to shove the whole damn thing in my mouth. Much like yesterday, which made me eye the 2nd one like a hawk. I had to chain smoke and hide it away in my bag to keep from eating it. Tomorrow I WILL be 111. I plan on taking my laxis tonight. No more f-ing around. I'm having trouble using the bathroom again. It's like my body doesn't know how digest Real food anymore. Coffee, granola bars yeah. Rice, chicken...no.

Lunch break

One hour lunch break:
10 cigarettes.
Starbucks coffee
1 granola bar: 180
I've been staring at the other one for the past 45 minutes. I'm glad I just read the calories. YOU my friend will go BACK in my bag.
Other intakes:
1 Hershey kiss
2 starbucks coffees. (I really like coffee)
liquid calories are still calories, and that's what I need to remind myself! No exceeding 800 calories a day including liquids.
So that means, and I'm being generous 480 calories today in liquids alone...
I'm already at 660!? Are you freaking kidding me?
Dinner tonight:
6 oz nnfat yogurt with tablespoon of honey 60
1/2 cup egg whites 60

Zombie cravings

Shivering bones. Icy fingers grip at this tool to will the words to come. The caved verbage in my mind might release some warmth. Sticky heat to make moving these fingers less painful. Underneath my tongue lies the answers I've been searching for blindly. Masked and illuded to the source of reason. Maybe if I pinch down hard enough with my teeth I can pull blood. I'm waiting patiently for my mouth to move. For my brain to catch up.

""Eating amnesia" is the act of unknowingly putting hand to mouth"
Yesterday I drank over 1000 calories in milk alone. I hate milk. I couldn't curve the appetite though. I wanted milk! Eggnog, almond milk, milk in stew. I didn't care how I got it, so I drank everything we had in the fridge that contained it. I'm at 63% water weight this morning. I'm trying to justify the 113 on this scale this morning. I usually do have milk in my lattes from starbucks, that's usual. What was not the usual was me chugging eggnog down last night like I was living in the sahara! Ugh... I feel gross.
It's strange what your mind makes you feel like you look like. If that makes since. I feel like as I'm bending my head down to write this that I have like 4 chins. I feel that my stomach is rolling over my pants. That my thighs are bulging out of the seams. I FEEL disgusting! I'm planning my next laxi night. Unfortunately with my work schedule I'll have to wait until next week.
I can't live like this. I missed my psychiatrist appointment today. Originally I made this bc I wanted my own prescription for addys. Then I thought, ya know, maybe I do need help. Maybe I need actual medicine to pull me out of depression.
It's weird now numb I can be. My mom last night was all emotional about how worried she is about me. How she misses me. The tears were falling, but I felt numb. Like I was crying bc I wanted to ache. I was allowing the tears to fall bc I thought maybe I'll finally just cry it out! No. I went into a zombie like state. Defense meconism I suppose.

The days just keep getting harder

As some of you might of guessed who read my previous blog entry. Yesterday was a BAD day.
This am: 113
I wish someone would explain to me how working out makes you gain weight.
So yesterdays events went as followed. Woke up hung over. Ate left over mac and cheese and baked potato salad. Puked. Called the IRS about why they seem to think I didn't file my 2007 state taxes. When I received this letter I thought to myself. This will be a piece if cake. Travis also received a letter and all he had to do was call and fax something in. Not me, oh no, because that would make me lucky. I'm extremely UNlucky. So u called and lady goes into "my archives." Conversation went like this:
"Let me check into this for you. *typing...typing...click...click....* oh I see here we also don't have your 2005 state taxes. I hate to tell you this but you will be pentalized if we don't receive this either. Even though the letter is referring to 2007. Now that I found this they will be looking for this year's too, and no we didn't receive 2007's."
My response,"...."

*time lapse*
so Im at work and I'm literally having a panic attack right now. My chest is tight and I'm having trouble breathing. I know it's a panick attack but I can't shake it. Work is trying to kill me. I've come to that conclusion. I'm sick and tired of everyone leaving everything to me. I'm just expected to work 13 hour days. I'm just expected to pick up the slack. I seriously can't take this anymore. I'm not getting compensated enough to deal with this. I'm starting to have physical reactions to the stress. I'd rather just cry, but instead I'm trying to vent via blogging to try and get my breaths under control.
This place is not being ran right. The new girl had the audacity to ask when she was leaving. "When we get everything done." Was my response. I hate being cold. I hate being bitter. In trying to not bitch. To not let everyone see how miserable I am. Be a good manager, but it's hard. It's showing on my face no matter how hard I try to plaster on a smile. It's not that I can just leave, because I'll be panicking for the rest of the day about having to finish it tomorrow. I really thought that other place I interviewed for would have called me. I blew them away, well...I guess not huh? It's been 2 weeks. I really hate my work life. I need a new job. Why isn't God opening any doors, am I really meant to stick this out? Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel? It's hard to see. Almost as hard as it is to believe. I know I'm being used, manipulated, controlled. It kills me. It slaps me back into the ground at a rough decline.

Please dear God help me through this day, much like you did yesterday.
Yesterday Travis came home and hugged me, and I just cried. I cried bc I had my answer. If nothing else I'm meant to be here to be his wife. To bear his children. To grow old with him, and sit in rocking chairs laughing about the good ol times. I'm meant to lie beside him on the beaches of Mal Pais. Both of us mesmerized by our surroundings and most importantly each other. He's my rock. My husband, that is one thing I have. One thing to be greatful for. He accepts me through all my flaws. He truly loves ne unconditionally, and that's something to smile about. If only on the inside.

I just chained smoke like 3 cigarettes. Probably not doctor recommended for relief of a panick attack, but I'm trying. I'm proud of myself for stepping away from That situation going on inside. I'm taking a mental break... And mental break's over. Unfortunately.

Today I need a prayer

I'm so tired.
My body is weak. My mind is exhausted. I feel a weight pulling me down towards the earth. I sit, knees bent, one crossed over the other, and think about standing. My back aches by being pressed up against the siding of the house. I push back harder to accentuate the pain. Pain is a feeling, and right now I'm dying to feel something. Today has been a test of strength. Today I failed.
I've purged three times. One of those times was at the gym. I wanted to run. I wanted to run away from something. Anything. Everything. I got dizzy and vomitted. Luckily I made it in time to the toilet. I was self induced. I couldve just stopped, but I forced myself to puke so I could keep running.
I stopped believing in bulemia as a method to lose weight. As I stared at the scale when I got home, with the bold 112 flashing in my face, it again concured that NO throwing up doesn't make you lose weight. I didn't care. I knew that when I was shoving my fingers down my throat. I knew it, but didn't care. I wanted to get rid of something. Feel some sense of relief with being empty. I won. I'm empty. Hollow. A shell. A zombie. My face contorting into a shape I thought I'd manipulated. I thought I could fool myself much like everyone else. My reflection shows the truth. I failed. Frowny faced fat girl staring back at me with shadowed eyes. I don't recognize myself. This person doesn't make me happy to see. I turn at different angles, and gape at the image looking back in disgust. My stomach is pouched out like I'm pregnant. My ass is too small above these jello thighs.
One of the girls I met at starbucks text me and asked how things were going. She wants to catch up. Ironically enough, couldn't come at a more perfect time. Maybe it's a reminder. Of what epiphany I had found, and soon forgot.
Dear Lord,
Please give me strength to make it through tonight. Help me see my true path. Guide me somehow to see that I am meant to be here. I've been contemplating ending this plan of life you have for me too early. Lord I know that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't have the strength to turn to you. I'm sorry my pride keeps me hidden from you. Please Lord forgive me for my sins. Please Lord help me remember that it is you I should turn to first. My disorder is not the key to happiness Lord. I want to smile knowing how proud you are of me. Like a proud parent watching their talented child acheiving their every wish and dream. God I feel like I haven't even began. I feel lost in this battle. I need you right now. Open my eyes, my heart Lord to let you in. I need to feel the warmth of your love melt this cold within my soul. I want to feel alive in your Glory. I want to live a happy life, but tonight I just ask you to support my weight as I try to stand. As I try to walk and turn from my demons. Thank you Lord for the blessings in my life, that at times I fail to see when feeling the way I do. In your name I pray. Amen

Husbands birthday

Husband's birthday a sucess! Not many people showed up, but that's okay. He had a great day, and that's all that matters. Seeing the look on his face was worth the anxiety it took to get everything perfect! Plenty of food is left over, because I invited everyone we've ever met! Lol 7 people came. I definitely spent more $ than I needed to, but again totally worth it.
So today I'm hung over slightly. Not that I even drank that much. I don't usually drink period, and I drank on an empty stomach. So already being a light weight or as everyone called me "2 beer queer" ha ha ha and no food on my gut I was drunk in like 20 minutes. I spent 4-5 hours straight eating to try and sober up. Nibble here, mouthfuls there, scarfing down spoonfuls here, picking randomly at things there. I ended up eating more last night than I probably have in like...a month? Two? It's hard to remember. I'm definitely paying for it today. My stomach no longer knows how to digest that amount of food normally anymore.
I haven't weighed myself. Once I can feel comfortable stepping away from the bathroom for more than 10 minutes I will.
Drinking is definitely not a good idea for me anymore. Liquid honesty, or truth serum, if you will. I'm kicking myself for talking to my friend D in my drunken stuper about my eating disorder. Past and present.
Maybe he won't remember?
I did meet slight my goal weight yesterday. I weighed in yesterday at 110.8
today: 112
ugh...

Circles

These past few days have gone by in a blur. I on the epilogue of unbearable lightness by Portia de rossi. It's amazing! What's sad is that I'm just like every other person with an addiction. "That'll never happen to me!" the other side of is screaming, "You idiot, she didn't get to 82 over night!" It's a slow process, and like she wrote it creeps up on you without a conscious effort. I've got a whole bottle of addys. I've been eating, but obviously not like a normal person. I know this, but change is hard and I find myself still celebrating my "loses."
111.
111!
Flipping crazy! I see this number digitally justifying how my day will be. I smiled and looked at Travis and said, "Im looking pretty good these days!" he responds with, "Yeah you look great!! Keep it up!" *laughs* Keep it up Mandy. You're so close!
My thoughts are jumbled with reasonings. To stop, to keep going. I can't pinpoint why exactly. Why I can't just say, okay Ive met my first goal weight of 115. Time to stop. I wasn't impressed with 115. I looked in the mirror with a, "That's it?" attitude. I want more. Now I'm only 1 pound away from my second goal weight. I can taste it, if nothing else...I can taste success!
I really thought I wouldve heard something by now from that other job. It's disheartening. I thought I blew them away. I guess I'm not as amazing as I was exuding myself to be. I actually thought my self esteem would elevate when I got that call. An offer. It's been a week. I've heard nothing. Nobody wants me. I'm not talented. I'm not smart. I'm embarrased that I went and told everyone how great it went. I should of kept my big mouth closed. I set myself up for failure. As soon as I walked out of there. I just "knew" I had the job.
I'm trying NOW to convince myself that God has a plan for me. I just have to keep praying that he'll lead me to glory. Lead me to my path.
I've got a devil sitting so close to me. Keeping my fingers warm holding this cigarette. Whispering words of comfort. "Once you're at 110, things will start to happen. You haven't met your goal weight. You can't expect to succeed in one thing when you're failing in another."
I want so bad to be successful. I want to be on top. As the numbers decrease my chances to rise increase. It's a sick aweful way of thinking, but I can't help it.
I need this, because when everything else is failing. Maybe I can win at this. Maybe this will make me happy.
I know it's all a lie. I'm writing in circles, because that's how my mind works. Constantly spinning around and around with this thing.

In other news. I made a new friend! We spent 8 hours talking at caribou Wednesday. We went out together last night too! I adore her!
On a more somber note, it hasn't been proven but I know Phillips back into drugs. His mysterious money loss and distance is telling me exactly what I already knew.