BPD

I went to the doctor yesterday. With clothes and jewelry on at 3pm, I weighed 113. I was initially excited. Usually I weigh myself naked, in the morning. Yesterday in the morning I was 113. So I knew I had lost weight, and I smiled inside. The nurse took my blood pressure. High. She waited and took it again. High. Not a walking stroke, but abnormal. My doctor, who I adore more than life, came in and said, "Whats going on with your weight? You've lost 7 pounds since I last saw you." I lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I told him how I was so depressed. I told him about work, how I felt I had no control over my life. How i've ruined my life. He looked at me and said, "Im not licensed to make this call, but I'd bet, I'm 99.9% sure, you have BPD (borderline personality disorder)." which is not something I haven't heard before. I was first diagnosed at 16 in a mental hospital, but never got on meds or in therapy. Apparently he told me I can be helped. That bc I could recognize that something was wrong, that I could be helped. He said 1 out of every 100 women have this. He asked, "Do you ever call Travis 'A fucking asshole?'" again I lost it, like every day, I said. People with BPD often blame their husbands for "making them this way." some women even beat their husbands. I'd never done that. But I do admit that I verbally abuse Travis, it usually ends up with me crying and apologizing the next day, and that my doctor says is good.
So long story short, he wants me see someone. There's a book called Walking on Egg Shells he wants Travis and I to read. About living with someone who's BPD. He said he thinks it'll help me understand that I'm not Alone, to have something to relate to.
So that's the update. It's weird, I want help, but not help with Ana. Control my mood swings. Handling my emotions, yes. Gaining weight? Not an option.

111.2
bmi 17.5
it's not good enough. Nothing ever is. I want to get out the lap top and really write why. Why am I stuck on this? Why do I feel like meeting a number is like meeting a quota at work. Why I'm so destructive in myself to justify or correct the dysfunction in my life.
The other part of me is grateful. Grateful for my wonderful husband. My job. My friends. My family.
I have to push all that away though. So I can hide. Hide from everyone that makes me happy so they won't know the truth. A truth I can't voice reasonably. A truth that I myself don't understand. It's too embarassing and complicated to talk about with anyone. I am an analytical thinker. I love to phsyco analyze everything, but this, this disorder... I don't understand.
I don't want to get better. Better means fat. I know I'm not ready.

My day

Alone.
Wrapped up-suffocated-with in the blankets.
Trapped.
Clawing at my skin-breaking-Ready to scream.
I hate myself. This weight. This body.
My eyes are glazed over. My chest is tight. I need to escape from myself.
Avoidance.
Solitude.
Empty.
Insecurities keeping me locked away. I taste the air outside, only for the sake of inhaling the smoke. Then I retreat back to the covers. Hoping that the next time I get up I'll weigh less.
+ .1
+ .2
+ .4
I want to die.

111

111
better, but it's not 109. I didn't eat at all yesterday. So that's how I lost my bloated weight. 111 is bc I fucked up and ate like a horse a week ago. I measured myself today. Haven't done so since august. Crazy I've lost 5 pounds since then, but only 1 inch on most parts. 1/2 inch off my thighs. See! THIS is why I want to weigh less, bc weight doesn't necessarily shrink you. I need to be shrunken down to a solid 00. I chickened out on buying a pair of express jeans in a size 00 online. Ana chimed in that I'm not tiny enough to even Think about buying smaller jeans. Once 109 becomes my new 111 then I'll consider it. Costa Rica is right around the corner. April will be here before I can blink. I can't allow myself to not reach my goal weight by then. That's plenty of time. There's no excuse! Game on! Fuck food. I did eat 1 biscotti and two pieces of toast today. I felt a cold coming on.

Retaliation

Throbbing. Pulsating. Agonizing.
I hate migraines.
I hate periods.
I hate bloating.
I hate water weight.
I hate being fat.
Fuck this shit!
I'm further away from my goal now. Now that I started my period.
The good news is, is ever time this happens I become more and more determined. More focused. I binge and purge for two days at the beginning of "my time" then I snap. Like literally someone throws me a sucker punch like, "What the FUCK are you doing?!?" Then I come back.
Battered, bruised, fat, but focused!
Christmas is 1 week away, and I have to get ready. Pictures will be taken, and I want people to see them and go, "Wow! She's lost weight!" I want to be admired. I want to people to be jealous. I can't go in front of those lenses any more than 109. I'm kicking myself for not taking pictures at my sisters baby shower. When I WAS 109. It seems so far away, but I was there just 1 week ago. 1 week ago I was falling out of my skinny jeans. Now I feel the bulge of this gross stomach. My ovaries fuck everything up! Lol

I found out yesterday another manager tried to get me fired at work. Tried to say I was stealing from the company! I'm so angry. Angry because of such a lie, a lie that could have cost me my job! That's a HUGE accusation to make. Honestly I don't see how someone wouldn't be fired for obviously lying about something like that! SHE should be fired for slander! I've been with this company for almost 4 years! How DARE she! Especially ME, someone who goes out of their way for everyone. Who's outgoing, positive, and sweet to everyone! Especially this person. I never would have thought. It drives me crazy. Wondering why... Why would someone lie? What have I done? To make someone viciously attack my character! My boss says it's jealousy. Really? There's a lot of people I'm jealous of. Do you see me trying to ruin their lives?! Come on. Karma is a bitch though. I will say that, people who fuck with me ALWAYS get what they deserve. I don't have to retaliate, the universe retaliates for me.
So in closing:
Fuck you, you fat fucking whore. You worthless piece of shit. You will get nothing from life. You will forever be miserable, you bitch. Burn in hell.
Kisses,
Mandy

Think how much you would of weighed if you didn't purge!
You disgust me.
Your husband weighed 115 just a week ago, that's only 3 pounds more than you right now. He claims to of gained 5 pounds.
That's my new motivation. To stay as far away from 115 as humanly possible.
So tomorrows weigh in will be exciting, and nerve racking. I need 109. I need 105.
I have this app on my phone that tells me my realistic date that I'll reach my goal weight of 100. Based on my average lost per week. February 12, 2011. I want to be 100 by April 1st. So by January if I'm not at 105 I'll get panicked. I'm fluctuating around 110-112 now. I need to stop binging at night. I go all day without anything, but the sun goes down and I go into zombie mode. Eating everything that's put in front of me. I are dinner every night since Saturday. Which is why I'm not at 109. So I have no one to blame but myself,( and the in laws for cooking dinner for me and Travis. Lol)
a new leaf has turned. I'm focused. I'm driven. My husband is more at an unhealthy weight than me! Ugh! I won't allow it. Travis at 115 is 23 pounds under ideal weight. I'm only 10...

6:03am
112 today
109 yesterday! I almost cried yesterday when I saw that new weight on the scale. Then came the baby shower. I tried to give out as much food as possible, bc I knew what would happen. The fatigue, the stress, I caved... I ate all the left overs. 3 pounds of shit apparently.
But it's a new number. A number I reached, and will reach again.
Something to strive for. A new number to fill me with hope.
I sound crazy right now I know. I'll forever be competeting with the scale. It seems it always wins. Like a 5k run, where I'm always 2nd in the running.
My fingers are chilled. My bones ache.
My grandmother commented yesterday how I look too skinny. She asked how many meals I ate a day. I said, "Six small, or three big ones." lying through my teeth.
It was a weird mix of emotions. I was happy that I'm finally at a weight that my grandmother doesn't comment about how muchbof a pig I am. She has forever made comments about how, "Oh we have left overs, oh don't worry Mandy will eat it all!" That shit just motivated me more, but I finally did it! Instead of those comments, I got the whispers behind my back. "Has she lost more weight since the last time I saw her?" Or, "She keeps losing, and I keep gaining!" I can't lie, it felt good. At the same time though I got angry. Like, "Im not THAT skinny!!" I soon stopped saying that after I got the bug eyed worried looks followed with, "Uh...yeah, you are!!!"
Whatever. Oh and my mom gave me vitamins, when I asked her why, my sister said, "Because you're malnurished!" malnurished? Really people??
I really need to get to starbucks and post pictures on here. Let you all be the judge.

"Why?"

Finding a remedy for my anxiety today is harder than swallowing pills with a dry mouth.
Today has been yet another test for strength. I'm exhausted, and my next day off isn't until Thursday. I'm actually excited about closing tomorrow. I get to sleep in. I'm not excited about the workload I'm up against.
My store is in shambles. I hate the holidays in retail.
So I stopped at starbucks for a coffee and a handful of cigarettes before I head home. My anxiety was too bad to drive with. There's too much to do I feel like I need to work an over nighter just to get everything done.
I did yoga yesterday.
At the beginning of class they always ask what your intention is for the session. My intention was to find peace. The instructor asked rethorically why we do these strenuous postures just to end up on the ground. She said because for most of us that's what it takes to finally be able to truly relax.
My life is like this. I kill myself and strain in ackward situations just to be able to come down. My struggle is coming down. Truly saying "I'm done" and come down. I need to write more of my book. I need to do more yoga.
"Why do you practice?" Because the physically struggle in yoga is equivalent to the mental struggle of my day. In a weird way after yoga I feel balanced. I need balance in my life.
I can't balance my work, my friends, my family...
It's all so overwhelming.