The new year

New year?
First year I've gone into with out hope. With out resolutions.
I can lie and say I want to get better.
I want to be at 100 by April. I've got some major work to do to meet my deadline.
I'm getting angry. Mostly with myself. For not counting my calories daily. For eating seconds on dessert. For losing my temper. For waking up at 4am, and not being able to sleep. My thoughts of how tiny Travis is, and how he has more discipline with food than I do. I thought about leaving him. I couldn't be happy with anyone else. I thought it though, and I instantly became angry. Angry because he doesn't deserve it.
I will reach my goal weight.
I will get on medicine for my mood swings.
I will be happy.
Happiness comes with a price. That's where I struggle. I know this disorder makes me miserable. I don't care enough to stop. I don't care if I end up in a hospital. I don't care if I die. I just need to win at something. To accomplish the only goal I've given myself. I've given up all my dreams, let me have this.