Sunshine

I swallow the remaining mucus on my throat. Sweat has dissipated my from brow. I'm 2 pounds heavier but 2 steps ahead these days. I'm a mover. An insane OCD planner. My life sucks, so what can Mandy do to fix it? Mandy can diet, Mandy can find another job. My unhappiness is all things that can and will be fixed. I'm thinking more positively today than previous. Funny I only slept 2 hours last night but today I feel more energetic than ever. Maybe it's the heat. I've always loved spring. Today's the first hot day of many to come, and I can't wait to dive, submerse myself in a pool of water. Costa rica will be here before I know it!!

Empty

I was 108 this morning. I haven't ate in 3 days. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My world is blurred. A blurred reality, one that I easier to understand somehow. This rain matches my mood entirely. The fatigue keeps my mind occupied, Ironically enough empty. I've come accustomed to the emptiness. I need that support group that my 1, of the only 2 friends who have truly showed concern, found for me.

At the bottom

I fell.
That I can accept.
With the wind whipping my hair back.
My face is contorted.
I never said I fell gracefully.

I'm falling.
It's an obvious reaction to stepping off.
When once I was only teetering,
it was then took my final bow.
Colliding into an invisible force.

You would think a landing would make me grounded.
I've only plummeted deeper with in.
Left solitified somehow.
I'm not of feather weight.
I was not light enough to float.
The numbers did not matter.
I fell and crashed just as hard.

Listen. Wait. Break.

I'm listening. Tapping my toes against the inside of my shoes. I'm waiting. I've screamed and pleaded. So now I wait. Change happens every day. People can change I've preached, but people are people. They change at their own will. Not mine. I can scream. I can cry. I can zombie out in my depression, but my voice is only heard by those who listen. Those who are selfless. What right do I have to decide that? That moment that they push away their pride and hear me. Truly inhale my words, letting it permeate their soul, resonate off their ear drums, and finally seep into their heart. Change. It's a waiting game. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It's something I can't control. It's something that's not a spntaneous reaction to my emotions. I weep and they fold. I scream and they open their eyes. My depression keeps my lips pressed. My walls up, and thick with cement. I can close myself off to anyone. I fill that void with obsessions. My weight. My ADD. My cigarettes. My clothes. My make up. My hair. I abuse my spirit until someone notices. The commentary is subliminal. I need a voice. So I listen. Rocking my crossed leg while I wait.

I left it in the toilet. I didn't bother to clean up. Like a potty trained child crapping his pants. I was screaming for acknowledgement. I HAVE A PROBLEM!! He said he stared at it for five minutes asking himself if he should confront me. In the end he chose silence. At that point I stopped waiting. I covered my ears. I no longer care to hear.

Goal 1 met!

109.2
I did it! Before my deadline! My 00s look amazing! It actually looks like I have a butt in them! Lol
new target weight set to 107! Wish me luck!

Brighter

10pm makes me a crazed animal. Hand in the bag of veggie chips, I go blank. Blankly staring at the refridgerator. Travis comes down stairs and I snap out of it. Quickly folding the bag up and throwing it in the cabinet. I have no clue how many calories I had just then consumed. For dinner I had green beans 80 calories.
this morning 111.
I think I'll be able to break that by the weekend. My 00 are coming soon in the mail from express. I'm excited to see how they fit. It'll be either a great day or Dooms day.
Work has kept me occupied. My ADD in full force.
I worked 11 hours yesterday. I came home and redecorated the house. Anything to keep moving. If I sit I'll eat. If I sit I'll gain weight. Sitting has become a reward. Sleep though has been non existent. I toss and turn. Kick the covers. Pull the covers. Toss. Turn. I wake up frustrated and Angry.
Today I'm feeling confidant. Today I think I can do this. This being the weight and not lose my mind at work.

The new year

New year?
First year I've gone into with out hope. With out resolutions.
I can lie and say I want to get better.
I want to be at 100 by April. I've got some major work to do to meet my deadline.
I'm getting angry. Mostly with myself. For not counting my calories daily. For eating seconds on dessert. For losing my temper. For waking up at 4am, and not being able to sleep. My thoughts of how tiny Travis is, and how he has more discipline with food than I do. I thought about leaving him. I couldn't be happy with anyone else. I thought it though, and I instantly became angry. Angry because he doesn't deserve it.
I will reach my goal weight.
I will get on medicine for my mood swings.
I will be happy.
Happiness comes with a price. That's where I struggle. I know this disorder makes me miserable. I don't care enough to stop. I don't care if I end up in a hospital. I don't care if I die. I just need to win at something. To accomplish the only goal I've given myself. I've given up all my dreams, let me have this.