109.
Travis stayed on the phone with me to make sure I infact ordered food on my lunch break. I got a plain asiago bagel. I can smell it's aroma permeating the bag. It makes me sick.
I missed my first EDA meeting. (Eating disorders anonymous) it totally slipped my mind...okay I'm lying. I chickened out. Sitting in a circle surrounding other victims of this disease could be 1 of 2 things. Helpful or detrimental. I could totally see myself judging. "She doesn't look Anorexic...oh my god I'm fatter than she is...she's my height and she weighs x I need to be that!" I guess I'm not ready to get help. A part of me feels like I'm not thin enough to get help. it's not like I'm 80 pounds. Travis asked what my goal weight was. I told him the truth. He asked if i'd be happy at that weight and I told him no. That I knew deep down that I'd just find a reason to lose more. 115 was my 1st goal...115 has far been gone. 109 isn't acceptable. I miss that 1 day I was 106. It scared me. Not bc I looked like a skeleton but bc that voice in my head said, "6 more to go...you will not eat!!" I panicked and rebelled then got the flu. Punishment I suppose...
