Instead of buying money for food:
For my lovely friends who smoke, use that money to buy what I like to call my "Rich Bitch Cigarettes." either benson and hedges, or dunhills. So worththe price.
If you do smoke I've notcied that changing up the type of smokes helps recurb your appetite. Maybe it's all mental, who cares, it works for me. I was a menthol gal, and I bought some regulars. It's like I've just started smoking again. Curbed appetite, bowel movements more frequent. Sucess!
#2: blast Flogging Molly. I live this band. How you can think about eating listening to an Irish rock band? Though it does make me want to drink like I fish. I fucking love the Irish! Lol
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I don't even know why I have a blog. Nobody reads this thing.
Husband has agreed that we can afford to buy me a new lap top! This excites me. I only have an Iphone which is very hard to write on. I miss writing I use to do it everyday. There's something therapeutic for me in it. I think it'll help my anxiety, and become a healthy way for me to control it.
I've been so terribly disappointed in myself recently. I haven't been able to say "NO!" Fried shrimp, chocolate chip cookies. I feel disgusted. I've finally bought Wasted, the book all you lovely girls recommend reading. I feel such a heart ache reading that book. I know I'll never get that bad, but the other side of me is saying, "Yes you could!" I feel so naive, in that, "It can't happen to me." state of mind. I read everyone elses stats, and I'll admit I'm jealous. I'm 5'6 pushing, as of this morning, 116. I read about a girl an inch shorter than me who weighs 100, and I panic. I know it's stupid. I know this isn't healthy. I just can't seem to shut that part of my brain up. I can't stop stepping on the scale everytime I enter the bathroom. I can't stop panicking after 3 days of not having a bowel movement, and reach with sweaty hands for the laxatives. The numbers drive me insane. I don't know if I'd consider myself anorexic or bulemic, after reading some blogs. I have the tendencies. I recognize that. I just can't, and a part of me has not even the desire to, stop.
Stop.
That's exactly what i've been doing.
I've stopped:
writing.
Hanging out with my girl friends.
Pursuing my career agressively.
Singing.
Taking walks.
And now... EATING.
What else do I have to give up to realize, sonethings wrong.
I just don't have the energy to figure out what, nevermind correcting it.
I have the number to a psychiatrist. My control, or admitting a lack there of, keeps me from calling. Conveinantly forgetting.
Just as I have with eating today, and tomorrow... And...
Husband has agreed that we can afford to buy me a new lap top! This excites me. I only have an Iphone which is very hard to write on. I miss writing I use to do it everyday. There's something therapeutic for me in it. I think it'll help my anxiety, and become a healthy way for me to control it.
I've been so terribly disappointed in myself recently. I haven't been able to say "NO!" Fried shrimp, chocolate chip cookies. I feel disgusted. I've finally bought Wasted, the book all you lovely girls recommend reading. I feel such a heart ache reading that book. I know I'll never get that bad, but the other side of me is saying, "Yes you could!" I feel so naive, in that, "It can't happen to me." state of mind. I read everyone elses stats, and I'll admit I'm jealous. I'm 5'6 pushing, as of this morning, 116. I read about a girl an inch shorter than me who weighs 100, and I panic. I know it's stupid. I know this isn't healthy. I just can't seem to shut that part of my brain up. I can't stop stepping on the scale everytime I enter the bathroom. I can't stop panicking after 3 days of not having a bowel movement, and reach with sweaty hands for the laxatives. The numbers drive me insane. I don't know if I'd consider myself anorexic or bulemic, after reading some blogs. I have the tendencies. I recognize that. I just can't, and a part of me has not even the desire to, stop.
Stop.
That's exactly what i've been doing.
I've stopped:
writing.
Hanging out with my girl friends.
Pursuing my career agressively.
Singing.
Taking walks.
And now... EATING.
What else do I have to give up to realize, sonethings wrong.
I just don't have the energy to figure out what, nevermind correcting it.
I have the number to a psychiatrist. My control, or admitting a lack there of, keeps me from calling. Conveinantly forgetting.
Just as I have with eating today, and tomorrow... And...
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I have the flu.
Why is it when you're sick everything is lost. All my issues with control come to head. I have to eat or I'll get sicker. So needless to say I'm miserable. I've managed to gain 4 pounds from my lowest. I know it's not much, but it drives me crazy that I don't have the strength to "correct" it.
I have slept literally the past 3 days straight. My day consist of eating, meds, sleep, and repeat. I am taking this eating thing to a whole new level too. I actually went to crackle barrel today and placed a to go order. *laughs* a TO GO order! 3 pancakes, 2 eggs, and 3 pieces of bacon later... I passed out. For 5 hours. Partially from a food coma, the other from utter weakness. So it appears September as a whole has been a freebie month with my disorder. First honeymoon, now the flu. Fine body eat your fucking food if you must, but damn it as soon as I'm better I'm going to live at the gym if I have to!
I'm going to a gastro doctor tomorrow, they're going to do a consultation before dum dum dum...a colonoscopy! Hooray! No actually I am a little excited to hopefully get some answered, solutions to my bathroom issues. Knowing my luck it'll be nothing. Colon cancer and chrones run in my family. I'm just over paranoid. The damn Gemini in me, makes me such a hypocondriac!
So hopefully I'll have some renown thinspiration for everyone when I get better. Wish me well, wish me thin...
Why is it when you're sick everything is lost. All my issues with control come to head. I have to eat or I'll get sicker. So needless to say I'm miserable. I've managed to gain 4 pounds from my lowest. I know it's not much, but it drives me crazy that I don't have the strength to "correct" it.
I have slept literally the past 3 days straight. My day consist of eating, meds, sleep, and repeat. I am taking this eating thing to a whole new level too. I actually went to crackle barrel today and placed a to go order. *laughs* a TO GO order! 3 pancakes, 2 eggs, and 3 pieces of bacon later... I passed out. For 5 hours. Partially from a food coma, the other from utter weakness. So it appears September as a whole has been a freebie month with my disorder. First honeymoon, now the flu. Fine body eat your fucking food if you must, but damn it as soon as I'm better I'm going to live at the gym if I have to!
I'm going to a gastro doctor tomorrow, they're going to do a consultation before dum dum dum...a colonoscopy! Hooray! No actually I am a little excited to hopefully get some answered, solutions to my bathroom issues. Knowing my luck it'll be nothing. Colon cancer and chrones run in my family. I'm just over paranoid. The damn Gemini in me, makes me such a hypocondriac!
So hopefully I'll have some renown thinspiration for everyone when I get better. Wish me well, wish me thin...
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm back from Europe! What a wonderful time! I went to Italy, Amsterdam, and Paris. Ironic to some, I hated Paris. Amsterdam was absolutely amazing. No it wasn't because of the legalized devil's lettace. That's not my thing. The country was stunning. The food, the people! Ah I can't wait to go back! Italy was orgasmically beautiful!
I'm pretty impressed considering I hate that a fat kid at the county fair, I only gained 3 pounds. So hopefully that won't be too hard to work back off. It's amazing to me how 3 pounds looks like 10.
So today I start my liquid diet. Protein shakes, diet peach tea, and water. Going to the pool today for some laps, then to the gym for a serious work out. Aderals definitely help with extended gym time.
Apparently I'm blind to people. My friend D I was told by my inlaws treats me like crap. They apparently can't stand them. They told how incredibly odd it is that I don't see how crude he is to me. I guess I have a dark sense of humor that if someone I consider my friend calls me crazy or stupid I just laugh. A maniacal laugh at that. I don't get offended easily. It's too time consuming to analyze everything someone says to me. I take people for who they are. I consider myself open minded and non judgemental. It does irritate me that maybe I am a bit nieve, and if my husbands friend IS in fact rude to me, why hasn't he defended my honor?
That's another thing...my husband. His anger issues are necomming something of alarm. Even his mother confided in me yesterday about his outburst of negativity.
Example of my husband: we were waiting in the airport, T was drinking a beer and had knocked it over. The beer spilled into his hat that was on the floor. T's comments about this siutation, "Of coarse out of all the places for my beer to fall in the place. It has to fall in my hat! All the square footage in the place! This is my luck, this is what I deal with on a day to day basis!" I told him he can wear my hat if it bothered him that bad, while I tried to dry his hat off. "Its the principle!" He responded. I finally looked at him and said, "You know what baby, it's people like you who get cancer. You get so upset over the littlest things, God's going to teach you a real lesson about having problems." I know harsh, but I couldn't take it anymore. THIs is what I deal with on a day to day basis! He seemed to calm down and apologized, and he always apologizes, but it gets to a pint where I'm like, when's it going to change? He snapped at his own mother for splashing water on our kitchen counter. I need some advice on how to handle him.
I'm pretty impressed considering I hate that a fat kid at the county fair, I only gained 3 pounds. So hopefully that won't be too hard to work back off. It's amazing to me how 3 pounds looks like 10.
So today I start my liquid diet. Protein shakes, diet peach tea, and water. Going to the pool today for some laps, then to the gym for a serious work out. Aderals definitely help with extended gym time.
Apparently I'm blind to people. My friend D I was told by my inlaws treats me like crap. They apparently can't stand them. They told how incredibly odd it is that I don't see how crude he is to me. I guess I have a dark sense of humor that if someone I consider my friend calls me crazy or stupid I just laugh. A maniacal laugh at that. I don't get offended easily. It's too time consuming to analyze everything someone says to me. I take people for who they are. I consider myself open minded and non judgemental. It does irritate me that maybe I am a bit nieve, and if my husbands friend IS in fact rude to me, why hasn't he defended my honor?
That's another thing...my husband. His anger issues are necomming something of alarm. Even his mother confided in me yesterday about his outburst of negativity.
Example of my husband: we were waiting in the airport, T was drinking a beer and had knocked it over. The beer spilled into his hat that was on the floor. T's comments about this siutation, "Of coarse out of all the places for my beer to fall in the place. It has to fall in my hat! All the square footage in the place! This is my luck, this is what I deal with on a day to day basis!" I told him he can wear my hat if it bothered him that bad, while I tried to dry his hat off. "Its the principle!" He responded. I finally looked at him and said, "You know what baby, it's people like you who get cancer. You get so upset over the littlest things, God's going to teach you a real lesson about having problems." I know harsh, but I couldn't take it anymore. THIs is what I deal with on a day to day basis! He seemed to calm down and apologized, and he always apologizes, but it gets to a pint where I'm like, when's it going to change? He snapped at his own mother for splashing water on our kitchen counter. I need some advice on how to handle him.
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