What # will = happiness?

109.
Travis stayed on the phone with me to make sure I infact ordered food on my lunch break. I got a plain asiago bagel. I can smell it's aroma permeating the bag. It makes me sick.
I missed my first EDA meeting. (Eating disorders anonymous) it totally slipped my mind...okay I'm lying. I chickened out. Sitting in a circle surrounding other victims of this disease could be 1 of 2 things. Helpful or detrimental. I could totally see myself judging. "She doesn't look Anorexic...oh my god I'm fatter than she is...she's my height and she weighs x I need to be that!" I guess I'm not ready to get help. A part of me feels like I'm not thin enough to get help. it's not like I'm 80 pounds. Travis asked what my goal weight was. I told him the truth. He asked if i'd be happy at that weight and I told him no. That I knew deep down that I'd just find a reason to lose more. 115 was my 1st goal...115 has far been gone. 109 isn't acceptable. I miss that 1 day I was 106. It scared me. Not bc I looked like a skeleton but bc that voice in my head said, "6 more to go...you will not eat!!" I panicked and rebelled then got the flu. Punishment I suppose...

Sunshine

I swallow the remaining mucus on my throat. Sweat has dissipated my from brow. I'm 2 pounds heavier but 2 steps ahead these days. I'm a mover. An insane OCD planner. My life sucks, so what can Mandy do to fix it? Mandy can diet, Mandy can find another job. My unhappiness is all things that can and will be fixed. I'm thinking more positively today than previous. Funny I only slept 2 hours last night but today I feel more energetic than ever. Maybe it's the heat. I've always loved spring. Today's the first hot day of many to come, and I can't wait to dive, submerse myself in a pool of water. Costa rica will be here before I know it!!

Empty

I was 108 this morning. I haven't ate in 3 days. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My world is blurred. A blurred reality, one that I easier to understand somehow. This rain matches my mood entirely. The fatigue keeps my mind occupied, Ironically enough empty. I've come accustomed to the emptiness. I need that support group that my 1, of the only 2 friends who have truly showed concern, found for me.

At the bottom

I fell.
That I can accept.
With the wind whipping my hair back.
My face is contorted.
I never said I fell gracefully.

I'm falling.
It's an obvious reaction to stepping off.
When once I was only teetering,
it was then took my final bow.
Colliding into an invisible force.

You would think a landing would make me grounded.
I've only plummeted deeper with in.
Left solitified somehow.
I'm not of feather weight.
I was not light enough to float.
The numbers did not matter.
I fell and crashed just as hard.

Listen. Wait. Break.

I'm listening. Tapping my toes against the inside of my shoes. I'm waiting. I've screamed and pleaded. So now I wait. Change happens every day. People can change I've preached, but people are people. They change at their own will. Not mine. I can scream. I can cry. I can zombie out in my depression, but my voice is only heard by those who listen. Those who are selfless. What right do I have to decide that? That moment that they push away their pride and hear me. Truly inhale my words, letting it permeate their soul, resonate off their ear drums, and finally seep into their heart. Change. It's a waiting game. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It's something I can't control. It's something that's not a spntaneous reaction to my emotions. I weep and they fold. I scream and they open their eyes. My depression keeps my lips pressed. My walls up, and thick with cement. I can close myself off to anyone. I fill that void with obsessions. My weight. My ADD. My cigarettes. My clothes. My make up. My hair. I abuse my spirit until someone notices. The commentary is subliminal. I need a voice. So I listen. Rocking my crossed leg while I wait.

I left it in the toilet. I didn't bother to clean up. Like a potty trained child crapping his pants. I was screaming for acknowledgement. I HAVE A PROBLEM!! He said he stared at it for five minutes asking himself if he should confront me. In the end he chose silence. At that point I stopped waiting. I covered my ears. I no longer care to hear.

Goal 1 met!

109.2
I did it! Before my deadline! My 00s look amazing! It actually looks like I have a butt in them! Lol
new target weight set to 107! Wish me luck!

Brighter

10pm makes me a crazed animal. Hand in the bag of veggie chips, I go blank. Blankly staring at the refridgerator. Travis comes down stairs and I snap out of it. Quickly folding the bag up and throwing it in the cabinet. I have no clue how many calories I had just then consumed. For dinner I had green beans 80 calories.
this morning 111.
I think I'll be able to break that by the weekend. My 00 are coming soon in the mail from express. I'm excited to see how they fit. It'll be either a great day or Dooms day.
Work has kept me occupied. My ADD in full force.
I worked 11 hours yesterday. I came home and redecorated the house. Anything to keep moving. If I sit I'll eat. If I sit I'll gain weight. Sitting has become a reward. Sleep though has been non existent. I toss and turn. Kick the covers. Pull the covers. Toss. Turn. I wake up frustrated and Angry.
Today I'm feeling confidant. Today I think I can do this. This being the weight and not lose my mind at work.